Ok so Grace will actually be 7 months on Sunday eek can you believe that?! So here am I playing catch up again. I feel like so much has happened since I last updated it's crazy how much can happen in what is really a short space of time. Last time I posted I was just starting to think about weaning and now she's pretty much eating me out of house and home lol! I was waiting for the signs that Grace was ready for solids and at 5.5 months she was ticking all the boxes so I decided to give it a try. We started off slowly with just a little breakfast to start with. I gave her a mashed up rusk mixed with some of her milk I thought the familiar taste would help. Well she loved it she started out having maybe 10 baby spoons of it but now she will clean the bowl! After a few days of doing that I started to give her a dinner at lunch time too. I bought the Annabelle Karmel top 100 baby purees book so I could know what works well together and make up some yummy purees for her, I have been making up big batches and freezing them it works out much easier this way and not to mention cheaper! Most importantly I know exactly what she is eating and that it's all healthy stuff. Dare I say Im a little proud of myself Im not the greatest cook in the world but Im making healthy food for my baby and she seems to love it this makes me so happy! I was so nervous about weaning I was scared she wouldn't want to eat anything because that's how I was, man I must have been hard work for my poor mother lol but Grace eats everything, well she does right now anyway I know babies go through phases so Im not taking it for granted I know it could change but it's so lovely to see her enjoying the food that I have made her. So now she has 3 meals a day usually either a rusk or ready brek mixed with her milk and a fruit puree, a dinner consisting of around 3 vegetables that work well together im about to start meat and fish now that she's more established, and a pudding at tea time which is usually a fruit puree or a soya yoghurt. I think her most favourite food so far is banana and blueberry puree she scoffs the lot! Eventually the aim is to get her on to finger foods although she has already tried a bit of toast and she did great with that! I can honestly say so far Im really enjoying weaning her!
In other news we now have a roller!! I was starting to wonder when/if Grace would ever roll she would get so close to doing it but then just roll back again but at 6 months and 1 week old she rolled!! I was so excited to see her doing it! I thought maybe she would cry when she did it from the shock of doing i've seen so many babies do that but she just looked a little shocked and then smiled we cheered her right after she did it she LOVES that haha and now she just looks proud of herself! Since she did it once she does it all the time especially at night it doesn't seem to bother her though I usually just find her in her cot on her belly! I was watching her on her belly today and she was starting to make movements like crawling! How exciting and scary that I may have a crawler on my hands soon wow Im not sure Im ready for that yet!!
I've noticed just over the last few weeks that Grace is starting to learn to make new sounds it's so cute! her latest is wawawawawa. I know not exactly talking but it's a progression from different pitches of aaaaaaaaa lol! She also squeals with excitement too it's the cutest thing. I love watching her grow and learn and these might only be small things but it's just exciting to me. Really it feels like 5 minutes ago that she was a teeny tiny newborn and now look at her time flies so fast!
Tuesday 7 August 2012
Friday 22 June 2012
Out and About
When Grace got to be around 3 months old I decided it was time to get out and about. I had intended to do that way before her hitting the 3 month mark but the time flies so fast and so much had happened that we were there already before I knew it! I searched around for local mom and baby things to do and was quite surprised to see there was so much. Im also lucky that 2 of my friends have babies just a few months older than Grace so we get to do these things together, it's a nice way for us to get together and have fun with our babies. So I was pleasantly surprised to find that in my local area alone we have a mom and baby group, Rhythm and Rhyme and Baby Sensory. I'm yet to start baby sensory you have to book in for that one and the next sessions don't begin until July but im really excited about it! Mom and baby is fun it's just at the local church hall but they have lots of toys and activities for the children to do and Grace really seems to enjoy it. At her age there isn't all that much she can do but she really enjoys being around all the other children I can't wait to see her get stuck in with all the toys and creative play as she grows! She aready loves the soft play area and I think she's probably ready to try out one of those baby walkers now it will be fun for her as we don't really have the room for one in our house :( so at least this way she will get to try it! We do however have a Jumperoo which she loves! They had a professional photographer come in one day and take pictures I couldn't resist getting her pictures done they came out great she's such a little smiler!
Rhythm and Rhyme is good fun too. Here we sing nursery rhymes and do all the actions and the babies get to shake bells and bang on drums etc. Then the second half of the session is a relaxing down time with gentle music and we use ribbons and materials with different textures to play with the babies and tickle them lol Grace loves it. Yes we could do all of this at home but it's so much fun to mix with other moms and babies I see how much Grace gets out of doing these things and it makes my heart burst!
Next I want to start taking Grace swimming I wanted to last week but she got a cold and now has a cough she is ok I got her checked out by a Dr but still i'd rather that clear up before I introduce her to the pool so fingers crossed she will be better soon and we can go! I'm interested to see her reaction to the water I love swimming and always have I was a real water baby so I'm wondering if Grace will be the same. So we are having a ball right now and our weeks are jam packed with things to do! Im exhausted but loving it!
Rhythm and Rhyme is good fun too. Here we sing nursery rhymes and do all the actions and the babies get to shake bells and bang on drums etc. Then the second half of the session is a relaxing down time with gentle music and we use ribbons and materials with different textures to play with the babies and tickle them lol Grace loves it. Yes we could do all of this at home but it's so much fun to mix with other moms and babies I see how much Grace gets out of doing these things and it makes my heart burst!
Next I want to start taking Grace swimming I wanted to last week but she got a cold and now has a cough she is ok I got her checked out by a Dr but still i'd rather that clear up before I introduce her to the pool so fingers crossed she will be better soon and we can go! I'm interested to see her reaction to the water I love swimming and always have I was a real water baby so I'm wondering if Grace will be the same. So we are having a ball right now and our weeks are jam packed with things to do! Im exhausted but loving it!
Wednesday 13 June 2012
5 Months
Baby girl is 5 months already! Everyone says how fast time flies and before I had Grace I used to hear people say it all the time but never really thought about it but now I totally get what they mean. Grace is growing right before my eyes she looks bigger everyday to me. She's forming her very own personality it's amazing to watch her. She's growing well she's on the 2nd to 9th centile so she's tiny but growing just as she should be. I can't tell ya how much that means to hear that she's just as she should be i've stressed so much is she eating enough, sleeping enough, reaching her milestones etc! Sooo not me im all about letting things happen when they happen (well sort of) I know she's fine and will acheive things in her own time but yeah becoming a mom has sent me a little crazy lol I just need to hear that's she's ok and that im doing a good job I guess. I'm gaining in confidence I think well im trying to but im learning that just as you think you've got things down Grace goes and mixes it up again haha but we're doing good.
It's almost time for weaning im both excited and nervous about this. Im excited because I know it's the next step but nervous I mean what if she dosen't take to it refuses to eat! I know im being a little extreme but apparently I was a nightmare lol so I can't help but think Grace may be the same pay back for all the stress I gave my mom lol! I guess we will see how it goes fingers crossed she likes it. I plan on making my own baby food I want to make sure she gets all the good stuff. However I am also happy to say I have found a range of baby food that is lactose free just incase that dosen't work out haha. I ordered the 5 step to weaning plan from cow and gate and intend to follow that cause lets face it I have no clue what im doing but after reading through it I have a better idea now.
Grace caught her first cold this week :( I know she has to get them sometime but i'd have been happy with never! It breaks my heart to see her sick but im happy to say that it hasn't stopped her smiling she's pretty amazing like that.
I LOVE hearing her laugh and will do anything to get a laugh out of her, seriously I look like a complete lunatic just to crack her up but it's so worth it I wish I could bottle her laughter it's the best rememdy to lift your spirit! I keep encouranging her to roll but she still hasn't im pretty sure she can but just chooses not to haha. Or maybe she will never roll and just go straight to crawling or something I don't know I guess we will just wait and see. She talks a lot just like me lol! We have lots of conversations in babble it's so much fun.
She still isn't a fan of naps and has just woken up from a short morning nap so I have to go. Will try and update some more soon!
It's almost time for weaning im both excited and nervous about this. Im excited because I know it's the next step but nervous I mean what if she dosen't take to it refuses to eat! I know im being a little extreme but apparently I was a nightmare lol so I can't help but think Grace may be the same pay back for all the stress I gave my mom lol! I guess we will see how it goes fingers crossed she likes it. I plan on making my own baby food I want to make sure she gets all the good stuff. However I am also happy to say I have found a range of baby food that is lactose free just incase that dosen't work out haha. I ordered the 5 step to weaning plan from cow and gate and intend to follow that cause lets face it I have no clue what im doing but after reading through it I have a better idea now.
Grace caught her first cold this week :( I know she has to get them sometime but i'd have been happy with never! It breaks my heart to see her sick but im happy to say that it hasn't stopped her smiling she's pretty amazing like that.
I LOVE hearing her laugh and will do anything to get a laugh out of her, seriously I look like a complete lunatic just to crack her up but it's so worth it I wish I could bottle her laughter it's the best rememdy to lift your spirit! I keep encouranging her to roll but she still hasn't im pretty sure she can but just chooses not to haha. Or maybe she will never roll and just go straight to crawling or something I don't know I guess we will just wait and see. She talks a lot just like me lol! We have lots of conversations in babble it's so much fun.
She still isn't a fan of naps and has just woken up from a short morning nap so I have to go. Will try and update some more soon!
Thursday 31 May 2012
Before I Was A Mom
A friend of mine posted this on her blog and I love it it's all so very true so I just had to share! Thank you Jessica x
"Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.... Thank God He blessed me to be a mom with my wonderful precious child."
"Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.... Thank God He blessed me to be a mom with my wonderful precious child."
Sunday 6 May 2012
Catching Up
So I figured out how to change my blog name yay! I have a new look too it's a nice change not as exciting as most of the blogs I see but I have no clue how to do that so this will do just fine :)
Anyway I'm going to try my best to catch up a little and maybe try and do monthly updates that's the plan anyway. I never thought that I would enjoy blogging but even though it's difficult to find the time I enjoy doing it and it's nice to have something to look back on (the good bits anyway) and as for the rest if it can help anyone at all then im happy I think it mostly helps me lol!
Back to catching up! My baby is almost 4 months old 4 MONTHS!! How did that happen? It's strange I can barely imagine life without her it's like she's always been here and yet this has been the fastest 4 months of my life! Grace has grown and changed so much it's crazy. So much has happened It has been quite an eventful 4 months to say the least. I have to say that the first 6 weeks of Grace's life are a bit of a blur I was very emotional, shell shocked and exhausted and Grace was extremely unsettled which made it harder. I hated to admit that I was struggling but I was. I found the sleep deprivation unbareable I totally get why that is a form of toture and my body hurt a lot from lifting and carrying my baby sounds daft my body hurt from lifting a 6lb baby but I guess that's how it is with AMC. Things began to turn around on Feb 24th yes I remember the date! Grace had been unsettled and having sloppy poops for weeks I ignored this because everyone said that all babies are unsettled for the first few weeks and this crying for hours on end was colic and totally normal and as for the poops she was extremely constipated for the first 2 weeks and on the advice of my midwife I changed her milk to the colic and constipation milk which apparently gives baby sloppy poops so I was to expect that! Despite everyone telling me this I just had this gut feeling things weren't right and I took her to the Dr who agreed with everyone else but me! What can you do when no one listens to you I was just an over anxious mother who isn't right? I guess it couldn't carry on that way without a consequence and on Feb 24th Grace started bleeding into her nappy :( I was horrified and took her straight to A&E. The bleeding would come with the poops which was like 6 times that night that's a heck of a lot! I must point out that despite the bloody poops Grace didn't appear unwell. The Drs did a lot of tests and in the end found that she is actually lactose intolerant apparently this is common! All I could think was my poor baby i've been giving her milk that has made her sick and I didn't know! They sent us home with Lactose free milk to try her on and see what happens. Well withing 24 hours of changing her milk she was like a different baby not unsettled no bloody sloppy poops and genrally a happy healthy baby! This was a real turning point for us and we haven't looked back! I felt terrible guilt for not getting this dealt with sooner but no one listened to me and I also blamed myself for not breastfeeding I felt like it wouldn't have happened if I had but the Pediatritian assures me that babies can be lactose intolerant no matter what it has nothing to do with breast or bottle. He also assured me that she will most likely grow out of it and we need to try her on cows milk when we are weaning her to see, im so nervous about this but we are going to see a dietician to talk us through how we go about it so I am thankful for that! Grace is completely better now it's just like something clicked and from 7 weeks old she has slept through the night! The only issue now is the constipation is back but we are dealing with it by giving her plenty of water with a little apple juice advice from her Dr, it does seem to help a bit. So one of the biggest lessons i've learnt so far from being a mom is if something just don't seem right go with your gut instinct because you are probably right!
I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier in my blog that Grace was born with Bilateral Talipes this was due to her being in the Breech position for so long this was also the position she was born. We were a little concerned they may have been fixed and that she may have need surgery but thankfully they were not fixed just positional and with physio and time they are great now! She also needed a hip scan to make sure she didn't have hip displacement again due to the breech position and with me having AMC it's always best to be cautious but nope again Grace is fine! Music to my ears! She has been through a fair bit in her short little life so far but keeps coming out on top that's my Amazing Grace <3
Grace has come on leaps and bounds it seems like it all happens over night! One minute she's this tiny unresponsive newborn and the next this lively, smiling, laughing, babbling baby! She is so alert and so alive she just amazes me everyday! We have conversations all the time in her baby talk I just love hearing her babbling back at me. She is so close to rolling now but hasn't quite made it yet. She is making new sounds everyday I love watching her study me when im talking to her and then watching her trying to form the words and making new sounds. She holds her head up now and has started sitting in her Bumbo which she loves. I look forward to each new day seeing what she will do next! I LOVE being a mommy <3
Anyway I'm going to try my best to catch up a little and maybe try and do monthly updates that's the plan anyway. I never thought that I would enjoy blogging but even though it's difficult to find the time I enjoy doing it and it's nice to have something to look back on (the good bits anyway) and as for the rest if it can help anyone at all then im happy I think it mostly helps me lol!
Back to catching up! My baby is almost 4 months old 4 MONTHS!! How did that happen? It's strange I can barely imagine life without her it's like she's always been here and yet this has been the fastest 4 months of my life! Grace has grown and changed so much it's crazy. So much has happened It has been quite an eventful 4 months to say the least. I have to say that the first 6 weeks of Grace's life are a bit of a blur I was very emotional, shell shocked and exhausted and Grace was extremely unsettled which made it harder. I hated to admit that I was struggling but I was. I found the sleep deprivation unbareable I totally get why that is a form of toture and my body hurt a lot from lifting and carrying my baby sounds daft my body hurt from lifting a 6lb baby but I guess that's how it is with AMC. Things began to turn around on Feb 24th yes I remember the date! Grace had been unsettled and having sloppy poops for weeks I ignored this because everyone said that all babies are unsettled for the first few weeks and this crying for hours on end was colic and totally normal and as for the poops she was extremely constipated for the first 2 weeks and on the advice of my midwife I changed her milk to the colic and constipation milk which apparently gives baby sloppy poops so I was to expect that! Despite everyone telling me this I just had this gut feeling things weren't right and I took her to the Dr who agreed with everyone else but me! What can you do when no one listens to you I was just an over anxious mother who isn't right? I guess it couldn't carry on that way without a consequence and on Feb 24th Grace started bleeding into her nappy :( I was horrified and took her straight to A&E. The bleeding would come with the poops which was like 6 times that night that's a heck of a lot! I must point out that despite the bloody poops Grace didn't appear unwell. The Drs did a lot of tests and in the end found that she is actually lactose intolerant apparently this is common! All I could think was my poor baby i've been giving her milk that has made her sick and I didn't know! They sent us home with Lactose free milk to try her on and see what happens. Well withing 24 hours of changing her milk she was like a different baby not unsettled no bloody sloppy poops and genrally a happy healthy baby! This was a real turning point for us and we haven't looked back! I felt terrible guilt for not getting this dealt with sooner but no one listened to me and I also blamed myself for not breastfeeding I felt like it wouldn't have happened if I had but the Pediatritian assures me that babies can be lactose intolerant no matter what it has nothing to do with breast or bottle. He also assured me that she will most likely grow out of it and we need to try her on cows milk when we are weaning her to see, im so nervous about this but we are going to see a dietician to talk us through how we go about it so I am thankful for that! Grace is completely better now it's just like something clicked and from 7 weeks old she has slept through the night! The only issue now is the constipation is back but we are dealing with it by giving her plenty of water with a little apple juice advice from her Dr, it does seem to help a bit. So one of the biggest lessons i've learnt so far from being a mom is if something just don't seem right go with your gut instinct because you are probably right!
I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier in my blog that Grace was born with Bilateral Talipes this was due to her being in the Breech position for so long this was also the position she was born. We were a little concerned they may have been fixed and that she may have need surgery but thankfully they were not fixed just positional and with physio and time they are great now! She also needed a hip scan to make sure she didn't have hip displacement again due to the breech position and with me having AMC it's always best to be cautious but nope again Grace is fine! Music to my ears! She has been through a fair bit in her short little life so far but keeps coming out on top that's my Amazing Grace <3
Grace has come on leaps and bounds it seems like it all happens over night! One minute she's this tiny unresponsive newborn and the next this lively, smiling, laughing, babbling baby! She is so alert and so alive she just amazes me everyday! We have conversations all the time in her baby talk I just love hearing her babbling back at me. She is so close to rolling now but hasn't quite made it yet. She is making new sounds everyday I love watching her study me when im talking to her and then watching her trying to form the words and making new sounds. She holds her head up now and has started sitting in her Bumbo which she loves. I look forward to each new day seeing what she will do next! I LOVE being a mommy <3
Friday 4 May 2012
Moving On...
What I mean by that is I'm thinking on changing my blog name to something else as it's not really a ttc blog anymore not that we wont ttc again but now it's more of a mommy and baby blog that I swear I will find more time to update!! So I'm thinking im going to re name it Baby and Me. I know not very creative but that's what it is so it works well that's as soon as I figure out how to do it LOL! I don't get to log on all that often and I see it has a new look so I need to figure it all out. Yup im a technophobe if you hadn't noticed!
It feels good to say that im moving on im in such a different place now I really want to focus on my mommy experiences and enjoy every precious moment! Don't get me wrong I cannot and will not forget the journey we went on to get to this point my babies and the pain we went through still rests in my heart. I don't think it will ever not hurt and im ok with that it's a big reminder of just how lucky we are it makes being where im at now so much sweeter because there was a time I thought i'd never be here and it truly is wonderful, hard work in every way you can think of but amazing and I love being a mom more than anything!
So once again i'm going to dash but im going to make more time to do this and update as i've been meaning to do for the last 4 months lol! I'll update as soon as I can as I have SO much to catch up on!
It feels good to say that im moving on im in such a different place now I really want to focus on my mommy experiences and enjoy every precious moment! Don't get me wrong I cannot and will not forget the journey we went on to get to this point my babies and the pain we went through still rests in my heart. I don't think it will ever not hurt and im ok with that it's a big reminder of just how lucky we are it makes being where im at now so much sweeter because there was a time I thought i'd never be here and it truly is wonderful, hard work in every way you can think of but amazing and I love being a mom more than anything!
So once again i'm going to dash but im going to make more time to do this and update as i've been meaning to do for the last 4 months lol! I'll update as soon as I can as I have SO much to catch up on!
Monday 2 April 2012
Baby Blues
Wow I'm so behind that the baby blues Im glad to say seem like a very distant memory almost like a bad dream! I almost didn't want to write about it because im in a totally different place now but it was a part of my post partum recovery so I guess I should.
To be honest I never thought they would hit me in the way that they did I know that sounds like a silly thing to say especially as I have a history of depression but this was my dream I know I was born to be a mom I had been to hell and back to get here I was going to overwhelmed with joy and happiness the baby blues just wasn't going to touch me! HA! Well how wrong was I! When I was in hospital the midwife said that they may hit when my milk comes in due to hormones etc well she was right as predicted the day my milk came in I started to feel teary no big deal everyone gets like this so I didn't think anything of it. Well It just got progressively worse I would cry for no reason at all for hours over anything something and nothing it didn't matter what it was! I loved my little girl so much but I felt so exhausted and so sad I was sure i'd made a terrible mistake I wasn't born to be a mom I couldn't do it I sucked at it big time! She cried so much I couldn't wind her my body hurt so much from lifting and holding her my teeny tiny baby and I couldn't even seem to manage that! I had extreme anxiety I couldn't eat and didn't for weeks my baby weight just fell off me and I am now lighter than I was before I even got pregnant! I would wake up like 50 times a night (thats when I could get any sleep at all) but I would swear i'd got the baby in the bed with me because I couldn't remember putting her back in her crib and then when she wouldn't be there i'd panic until i realised that she was in her crib had been all along! I litereally felt like I was going insane!! On top of that I had this awful guilt how dare I feel like this I have wanted this for so long and was lucky enough to have my baby when I know so many are still waiting I had no right to feel this way but I had no control over it.
It all came to a head when my Midwife came round to see me and I couldn't keep up the front I was putting on for the world to see and I just broke down. She talked me through everything and explained that she could see signs of post natal depression and so thats why she had kept up regular visits to support me. We talked things though and I decided that I didn't want to go down the anti drepressant road and wanted to try and fight it myself. She explained that it had nothing to do with how I should feel but that it was a chemical imbalance and thats why I felt like that I kinda knew this but when you're in that black cloud nothing makes sense! Im happy to say I didn't have full blow pp depression I was just borderline I was lucky! I got through it with the support of my family and my amazing midwife. I only really suffered with it for about a month a very long month!! But then it's almost like something clicked and the black cloud lifted I don't know how or why but all I can say is im so thankful to be out of it now and I can finally enjoy my beautiful baby girl! Im loving being a mom it is everything I dreamed it would be im so thankful to be out of that dark place! All I can say is if you do ever feel anything like I did after just having a baby get help sooner rather than later it was down to my midwife that I think I recovered so quick with her help and support otherwise I would have carried on because I was sure it was normal to feel that way and it's not! Im just so happy to be through it now!
Im sorry that this post seems kind of rushed but I have to grab a few minutes where I can as my beautiful baby girl does not like to take naps during the day! She does sleep thrrough the night so I guess I can't have it all roads haha :o)
To be honest I never thought they would hit me in the way that they did I know that sounds like a silly thing to say especially as I have a history of depression but this was my dream I know I was born to be a mom I had been to hell and back to get here I was going to overwhelmed with joy and happiness the baby blues just wasn't going to touch me! HA! Well how wrong was I! When I was in hospital the midwife said that they may hit when my milk comes in due to hormones etc well she was right as predicted the day my milk came in I started to feel teary no big deal everyone gets like this so I didn't think anything of it. Well It just got progressively worse I would cry for no reason at all for hours over anything something and nothing it didn't matter what it was! I loved my little girl so much but I felt so exhausted and so sad I was sure i'd made a terrible mistake I wasn't born to be a mom I couldn't do it I sucked at it big time! She cried so much I couldn't wind her my body hurt so much from lifting and holding her my teeny tiny baby and I couldn't even seem to manage that! I had extreme anxiety I couldn't eat and didn't for weeks my baby weight just fell off me and I am now lighter than I was before I even got pregnant! I would wake up like 50 times a night (thats when I could get any sleep at all) but I would swear i'd got the baby in the bed with me because I couldn't remember putting her back in her crib and then when she wouldn't be there i'd panic until i realised that she was in her crib had been all along! I litereally felt like I was going insane!! On top of that I had this awful guilt how dare I feel like this I have wanted this for so long and was lucky enough to have my baby when I know so many are still waiting I had no right to feel this way but I had no control over it.
It all came to a head when my Midwife came round to see me and I couldn't keep up the front I was putting on for the world to see and I just broke down. She talked me through everything and explained that she could see signs of post natal depression and so thats why she had kept up regular visits to support me. We talked things though and I decided that I didn't want to go down the anti drepressant road and wanted to try and fight it myself. She explained that it had nothing to do with how I should feel but that it was a chemical imbalance and thats why I felt like that I kinda knew this but when you're in that black cloud nothing makes sense! Im happy to say I didn't have full blow pp depression I was just borderline I was lucky! I got through it with the support of my family and my amazing midwife. I only really suffered with it for about a month a very long month!! But then it's almost like something clicked and the black cloud lifted I don't know how or why but all I can say is im so thankful to be out of it now and I can finally enjoy my beautiful baby girl! Im loving being a mom it is everything I dreamed it would be im so thankful to be out of that dark place! All I can say is if you do ever feel anything like I did after just having a baby get help sooner rather than later it was down to my midwife that I think I recovered so quick with her help and support otherwise I would have carried on because I was sure it was normal to feel that way and it's not! Im just so happy to be through it now!
Im sorry that this post seems kind of rushed but I have to grab a few minutes where I can as my beautiful baby girl does not like to take naps during the day! She does sleep thrrough the night so I guess I can't have it all roads haha :o)
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