I Can't Believe It's Over

TMI Warning: There are details about my miscarriage I have left a lot out but i understand this is a sensitive subject and if you would prefer not to read about it then stop here.

I know i said in my last post that it was over but now it really is over! It all came to an end on Sunday night in a truamatic way that will stay in my mind forever.  The saying 'calm before the storm' is so true. Sunday was a better day much better than the 9 days i had before! I had no cramps all day and the bleeding although still there appeared to be less, i thought maybe i had passed everything and this nightmare was finally coming to an end, after all according to the scan i only had a tiny sac to pass so it must be over.  How wrong was i! Little did i know itwas just getting started.

We had a spent the day with Richards family and then went round to my parents house on the evening. My Mom asked how I was feeling i said great no cramps all day! Litrally 20 minutes after saying that the cramps started but much stronger and sharper than i had before. I took some co-codamol and hoped they would ease the pain a bit. Usually after an hour or so the tablets kick in and at least take the edge of but they didn't and my Momand Rich were getting really worried and wanted me to go to the hospital. Even though i felt terrible the thought of the hospital scared me i didn't know what they would do so i wanted to wait it out some more just to see if it would pass.  I was only 4 weeks along in my last miscarriage and even though that was as heartbraking as this physically it was much easier to deal with so this time i knew it would be worse as i was at that point 10 weeks along.  It got to 10.30pm and i knew i couldn't wait it out anymore and had to go to hospital so off we went.

We got to A&E and thankfully they rushed me straight through. They did some tests and sent me straight over to Gyne.  It was then that i lost my baby.  I wont go in to all the details as i can honestly say it was the most traumatic experience of my life! I am so grateful for the Drs and Nurses i know it's their job but they really looked after me i was in such a state.  When it was all over the Dr asked if i wanted to see my baby.  This took me by surprise as i thought there was no baby! I didn't know what to say but i said yes. He showed me it was small but had the form of a baby it broke my heart to see it but it was my baby so im glad i did.  They said it measured at about 7 weeks which i guess made sense as the spotting started at 7.5 weeks.  It made me question the Ultrasound scan i had as there was nothing there and this baby was big enough to be seen! The Dr said that i have a retroverted uterus and in some cases it can make it difficult to see a baby on a scan before 12 weeks.  I wish they had done an internal scan now and spared me the 10 days of hell not knowing what was going on! Why didn't they?! 

After i had lost the baby they said they needed me to stay the night as i hadn't passed the placenta so they were giving me an injection to make my womb contract and hopefully pass it. If i didn't they would have to take me to theatre in the morning for a D&C. I also had a little infection so i needed some anti-biotics.  Thankfully a few hours later i passed the placenta it wasn't as scary as i imagined it would be.

As much as i didn't want this to happen i am glad to say that at least some good came out of the bad.  They found that i am Rhesus Negative and although they wont know for sure that may have been a possible cause for the loss.  This also makes me angry the amount of times i have been in hospital for surgery and no one bothered to inform me of this! I even asked my GP once and it wasn't in my notes! Why not?!  I can't change that i didn't know before but i am so glad i know now! They gave me an Anti D injection straight away so at least if this was the cause it wont happen again.  Also they said that because i had 2 miscarriages just a few months apart i could be referred to the recurrent miscarriages clinic for tests just to make sure there is no other reason for the losses. I have to see my GP on Monday about getting the referral.  Im grateful for this and hopeful that next time we will have our sticky bean!

This loss has been so hard, im so grateful that some good has come from it but it doesn't make the loss easier to deal with. We wanted this baby more than anything and although i thought i had accepted it before i actually miscarried i know now i hadn't i desperately want to turn the clock back and make it right but i can't. I don't want to try again for months and months just waiting for it to happen! But i will.