It's All Over

Sorry it's taken me so long to update but the thought of putting everything into words seemed so hard to do im not sure why. Im feeling a little stronger now and feel that i should get this down before i feel i can't again!  I really didn't know what to title this blog post It's All Over seems so final and i guess we don't technically know that for sure until my next scan on Thursday although I know in my heart it is but still always praying for that miracle! I guess It's All Over is fine for now as thats what i have forced myself to come to terms with.

So Thursday Feb 10th i went for my early scan. I was so nervous but hopeful i had heard lots of stories of girls having spotting early on in pregnancy and yet everything was fine so i was hopeful that would be the case with me.  We got to the early pregnancy unit at Heartlands Hospital and had to wait it in a dark dingy green waiting room it wasn't very welcoming and why are all hospital waiting rooms green have you ever noticed that?!  It was full of girls all looking as equally nervous as me.  The walls were full of posters and information leaflets on Miscarriage on one side of the wall (just what you wanna see right?!) But on the other side were newspaper cuttings with stories of miracle babies and thank you cards sent from people who they had helped to get pregnant. It was nice to see those.

We waited for what seemed forever and i was watching the girls come out from the scan before me holding their scan pictures and smiling i couldn't help but think that would be me in a few short minutes.  Eventually i got called through the sonographer took all my details as to why i was having the early scan then asked me to lie back to begin the scan. She said she would take a good look first and then show me what she could see. I was glad that i couldn't see the screen at first i knew i would only panic if they couldn't see anything but from where Richard was standing he could see everything so i just stared at him trying to read if his expression was good or bad, but i don't really think he knew what he was looking at so it was pretty blank and gave me no clues at all!  The Sonographer then turned the screen towards me and said "im afaid it's a little too early to see baby but we can see a healthy gestational sac that's measuring 5-6 weeks". Immediately i freaked out and pointed out that im supposed to 8 weeks! She could see how upset i was getting and tried to calm me down and said that this happens all the time lots of girls get their dates wrong and if i had another scan in 2 weeks we would see a baby! Now i can get that a lot of girls can get their dates mixed up but with temping and charting and using OPKs etc i knew the exact date i ovualted so i wasn't sure in this case that i was going to be one of those girls and immediately assumed the worst! After i had calmed down she explained that a nurse would see me and explain everything in more detail to me. So back to more waiting!

Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long to go and see the nurse.  I took a liking to her straight away she didn't try to fob me off with "oh don't worry it will all be fine" speeches she was straight with me! I mean it's nice to believe that everything will be ok and believe me i wanted to but i didn't want false hope either. She took down all my history which took a while! Then I told her the date that i ovulated and she used a round dial device (i have no idea what it's called) to measure the dates with and said i don't want to give you false hope but there is a chance you could be 6 weeks pregnant based on that date and all babies do develop at different rates so there is a ray of hope.  On the other hand we could also be looking at a missed miscarriage where the baby stopped developing at 5-6weeks but your body is continuing the pregnancy. She said the only way we could know for sure was to have another scan in 2 weeks time she said if this is a viable pregnancy we will see a baby then for sure!  I came away from that with a little bit of hope but glad to know the facts and prepared to wait for 2 weeks in limbo.


The moment i got home my little ray of hope vanished as i had noticed that what was a tiny bit of brown spotting had turned into full blown bleeding! I know that a lot of women do bleed during pregnancy but with the news i had already been given i knew this wasn't a good sign.  I called the nurse at the early pregnancy unit to explain to her what was happening and she said to rest it may stop or on the other hand it could be a miscarriage but to wait it out and as long as the bleeding didn't get too heavy or i didn't feel too unwell just see what happens and go back for the scan in 2 weeks time.  So this is where im at now still bleeding like a period 9 days of bleeding now and still no end in sight i have cramping that lasts most of the day and feel really washed out but i am coping and i guess as i am coping there is no need to go to hospital im better off just waiting for the scan which i will presume will confirm a miscarriage. My only hope now is that they say i have passed everything naturally so that i don't have to go and have a D&C.  Im worried that i haven't as i did a pregnancy test and for now it is very positive! Maybe it just takes time to fade i don't know.  I hope the bleeding and cramps stop soon i really just want to get back to being me again.  I guess we will have to wait till Thursday for answers.  This has been so hard for me and Richard and we are working through different emotions every day but we are strong and will get through this! I am so thankful for my family, friends and all the wonderful friends i have made from TMP im so grateful for all the messages of support thankyou so much.