Monday, 2 April 2012

Baby Blues

Wow I'm so behind that the baby blues Im glad to say seem like a very distant memory almost like a bad dream! I almost didn't want to write about it because im in a totally different place now but it was a part of my post partum recovery so I guess I should. 

To be honest I never thought they would hit me in the way that they did I know that sounds like a silly thing to say especially as I have a history of depression but this was my dream I know I was born to be a mom I had been to hell and back to get here I was going to overwhelmed with joy and happiness the baby blues just wasn't going to touch me! HA! Well how wrong was I! When I was in hospital the midwife said that they may hit when my milk comes in due to hormones etc well she was right as predicted the day my milk came in I started to feel teary no big deal everyone gets like this so I didn't think anything of it.  Well It just got progressively worse I would cry for no reason at all for hours over anything something and nothing it didn't matter what it was! I loved my little girl so much but I felt so exhausted and so sad I was sure i'd made a terrible mistake I wasn't born to be a mom I couldn't do it I sucked at it big time! She cried so much I couldn't wind her my body hurt so much from lifting and holding her my teeny tiny baby and I couldn't even seem to manage that!  I had extreme anxiety I couldn't eat and didn't for weeks my baby weight just fell off me and I am now lighter than I was before I even got pregnant!  I would wake up like 50 times a night (thats when I could get any sleep at all) but I would swear i'd got the baby in the bed with me because I couldn't remember putting her back in her crib and then when she wouldn't be there i'd panic until i realised that she was in her crib had been all along! I litereally felt like I was going insane!! On top of that I had this awful guilt how dare I feel like this I have wanted this for so long and was lucky enough to have my baby when I know so many are still waiting I had no right to feel this way but I had no control over it.

It all came to a head when my Midwife came round to see me and I couldn't keep up the front I was putting on for the world to see and I just broke down. She talked me through everything and explained that she could see signs of post natal depression and so thats why she had kept up regular visits to support me. We talked things though and I decided that I didn't want to go down the anti drepressant road and wanted to try and fight it myself.  She explained that it had nothing to do with how I should feel but that it was a chemical imbalance and thats why I felt like that I kinda knew this but when you're in that black cloud nothing makes sense!  Im happy to say I didn't have full blow pp depression I was just borderline I was lucky! I got through it with the support of my family and my amazing midwife.  I only really suffered with it for about a month a very long month!! But then it's almost like something clicked and the black cloud lifted I don't know how or why but all I can say is im so thankful to be out of it now and I can finally enjoy my beautiful baby girl!  Im loving being a mom it is everything I dreamed it would be im so thankful to be out of that dark place!  All I can say is if you do ever feel anything like I did after just having a baby get help sooner rather than later it was down to my midwife that I think I recovered so quick with her help and support otherwise I would have carried on because I was sure it was normal to feel that way and it's not!  Im just so happy to be through it now!

Im sorry that this post seems kind of rushed but I have to grab a few minutes where I can as my beautiful baby girl does not like to take naps during the day! She does sleep thrrough the night so I guess I can't have it all roads haha :o)