Saturday, 26 February 2011

I Can't Believe It's Over

TMI Warning: There are details about my miscarriage I have left a lot out but i understand this is a sensitive subject and if you would prefer not to read about it then stop here.

I know i said in my last post that it was over but now it really is over! It all came to an end on Sunday night in a truamatic way that will stay in my mind forever.  The saying 'calm before the storm' is so true. Sunday was a better day much better than the 9 days i had before! I had no cramps all day and the bleeding although still there appeared to be less, i thought maybe i had passed everything and this nightmare was finally coming to an end, after all according to the scan i only had a tiny sac to pass so it must be over.  How wrong was i! Little did i know itwas just getting started.

We had a spent the day with Richards family and then went round to my parents house on the evening. My Mom asked how I was feeling i said great no cramps all day! Litrally 20 minutes after saying that the cramps started but much stronger and sharper than i had before. I took some co-codamol and hoped they would ease the pain a bit. Usually after an hour or so the tablets kick in and at least take the edge of but they didn't and my Momand Rich were getting really worried and wanted me to go to the hospital. Even though i felt terrible the thought of the hospital scared me i didn't know what they would do so i wanted to wait it out some more just to see if it would pass.  I was only 4 weeks along in my last miscarriage and even though that was as heartbraking as this physically it was much easier to deal with so this time i knew it would be worse as i was at that point 10 weeks along.  It got to 10.30pm and i knew i couldn't wait it out anymore and had to go to hospital so off we went.

We got to A&E and thankfully they rushed me straight through. They did some tests and sent me straight over to Gyne.  It was then that i lost my baby.  I wont go in to all the details as i can honestly say it was the most traumatic experience of my life! I am so grateful for the Drs and Nurses i know it's their job but they really looked after me i was in such a state.  When it was all over the Dr asked if i wanted to see my baby.  This took me by surprise as i thought there was no baby! I didn't know what to say but i said yes. He showed me it was small but had the form of a baby it broke my heart to see it but it was my baby so im glad i did.  They said it measured at about 7 weeks which i guess made sense as the spotting started at 7.5 weeks.  It made me question the Ultrasound scan i had as there was nothing there and this baby was big enough to be seen! The Dr said that i have a retroverted uterus and in some cases it can make it difficult to see a baby on a scan before 12 weeks.  I wish they had done an internal scan now and spared me the 10 days of hell not knowing what was going on! Why didn't they?! 

After i had lost the baby they said they needed me to stay the night as i hadn't passed the placenta so they were giving me an injection to make my womb contract and hopefully pass it. If i didn't they would have to take me to theatre in the morning for a D&C. I also had a little infection so i needed some anti-biotics.  Thankfully a few hours later i passed the placenta it wasn't as scary as i imagined it would be.

As much as i didn't want this to happen i am glad to say that at least some good came out of the bad.  They found that i am Rhesus Negative and although they wont know for sure that may have been a possible cause for the loss.  This also makes me angry the amount of times i have been in hospital for surgery and no one bothered to inform me of this! I even asked my GP once and it wasn't in my notes! Why not?!  I can't change that i didn't know before but i am so glad i know now! They gave me an Anti D injection straight away so at least if this was the cause it wont happen again.  Also they said that because i had 2 miscarriages just a few months apart i could be referred to the recurrent miscarriages clinic for tests just to make sure there is no other reason for the losses. I have to see my GP on Monday about getting the referral.  Im grateful for this and hopeful that next time we will have our sticky bean!

This loss has been so hard, im so grateful that some good has come from it but it doesn't make the loss easier to deal with. We wanted this baby more than anything and although i thought i had accepted it before i actually miscarried i know now i hadn't i desperately want to turn the clock back and make it right but i can't. I don't want to try again for months and months just waiting for it to happen! But i will. 

Saturday, 19 February 2011

It's All Over

Sorry it's taken me so long to update but the thought of putting everything into words seemed so hard to do im not sure why. Im feeling a little stronger now and feel that i should get this down before i feel i can't again!  I really didn't know what to title this blog post It's All Over seems so final and i guess we don't technically know that for sure until my next scan on Thursday although I know in my heart it is but still always praying for that miracle! I guess It's All Over is fine for now as thats what i have forced myself to come to terms with.

So Thursday Feb 10th i went for my early scan. I was so nervous but hopeful i had heard lots of stories of girls having spotting early on in pregnancy and yet everything was fine so i was hopeful that would be the case with me.  We got to the early pregnancy unit at Heartlands Hospital and had to wait it in a dark dingy green waiting room it wasn't very welcoming and why are all hospital waiting rooms green have you ever noticed that?!  It was full of girls all looking as equally nervous as me.  The walls were full of posters and information leaflets on Miscarriage on one side of the wall (just what you wanna see right?!) But on the other side were newspaper cuttings with stories of miracle babies and thank you cards sent from people who they had helped to get pregnant. It was nice to see those.

We waited for what seemed forever and i was watching the girls come out from the scan before me holding their scan pictures and smiling i couldn't help but think that would be me in a few short minutes.  Eventually i got called through the sonographer took all my details as to why i was having the early scan then asked me to lie back to begin the scan. She said she would take a good look first and then show me what she could see. I was glad that i couldn't see the screen at first i knew i would only panic if they couldn't see anything but from where Richard was standing he could see everything so i just stared at him trying to read if his expression was good or bad, but i don't really think he knew what he was looking at so it was pretty blank and gave me no clues at all!  The Sonographer then turned the screen towards me and said "im afaid it's a little too early to see baby but we can see a healthy gestational sac that's measuring 5-6 weeks". Immediately i freaked out and pointed out that im supposed to 8 weeks! She could see how upset i was getting and tried to calm me down and said that this happens all the time lots of girls get their dates wrong and if i had another scan in 2 weeks we would see a baby! Now i can get that a lot of girls can get their dates mixed up but with temping and charting and using OPKs etc i knew the exact date i ovualted so i wasn't sure in this case that i was going to be one of those girls and immediately assumed the worst! After i had calmed down she explained that a nurse would see me and explain everything in more detail to me. So back to more waiting!

Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long to go and see the nurse.  I took a liking to her straight away she didn't try to fob me off with "oh don't worry it will all be fine" speeches she was straight with me! I mean it's nice to believe that everything will be ok and believe me i wanted to but i didn't want false hope either. She took down all my history which took a while! Then I told her the date that i ovulated and she used a round dial device (i have no idea what it's called) to measure the dates with and said i don't want to give you false hope but there is a chance you could be 6 weeks pregnant based on that date and all babies do develop at different rates so there is a ray of hope.  On the other hand we could also be looking at a missed miscarriage where the baby stopped developing at 5-6weeks but your body is continuing the pregnancy. She said the only way we could know for sure was to have another scan in 2 weeks time she said if this is a viable pregnancy we will see a baby then for sure!  I came away from that with a little bit of hope but glad to know the facts and prepared to wait for 2 weeks in limbo.

The moment i got home my little ray of hope vanished as i had noticed that what was a tiny bit of brown spotting had turned into full blown bleeding! I know that a lot of women do bleed during pregnancy but with the news i had already been given i knew this wasn't a good sign.  I called the nurse at the early pregnancy unit to explain to her what was happening and she said to rest it may stop or on the other hand it could be a miscarriage but to wait it out and as long as the bleeding didn't get too heavy or i didn't feel too unwell just see what happens and go back for the scan in 2 weeks time.  So this is where im at now still bleeding like a period 9 days of bleeding now and still no end in sight i have cramping that lasts most of the day and feel really washed out but i am coping and i guess as i am coping there is no need to go to hospital im better off just waiting for the scan which i will presume will confirm a miscarriage. My only hope now is that they say i have passed everything naturally so that i don't have to go and have a D&C.  Im worried that i haven't as i did a pregnancy test and for now it is very positive! Maybe it just takes time to fade i don't know.  I hope the bleeding and cramps stop soon i really just want to get back to being me again.  I guess we will have to wait till Thursday for answers.  This has been so hard for me and Richard and we are working through different emotions every day but we are strong and will get through this! I am so thankful for my family, friends and all the wonderful friends i have made from TMP im so grateful for all the messages of support thankyou so much.   

Saturday, 5 February 2011

7 Weeks

So im 7 weeks and 5 days today! In some ways i can't believe how fast the time is flying by and in others it's going way to slow.  I wish i could say this has been a good week but really it has been so stressful. On Wednesday night i started spotting it wasn't much sometimes it was pink others brown mixed in with mucous (sorry for the TMI). Of course i knew that a little bit of spotting in early pregnancy is common and as long as it's not bright red a lot of bleeding with cramps then it should be nothing to worry about. In reality i saw it and paniked! My Midwife hadn't made contact with me yet so i decided to go see the Nurse to get checked out. Im so glad i did she was so nice and understanding, she checked me over and said that my cervix was closed and that there was no blood visable at that time. Knowing that made me feel much better. She called the Midwife for me and she arranged for me to have an early scan thats booked for 11.30am next Thursday im so nervous about it but it will be great to see baby for the first time and hopefully get some good news!  Thursday evening was the worst time for me i felt so reassured after seeing the nurse but then the spotting came back and i got really bad back pain i couldn't stand, sit or lie down nothing i did brought me comfort so with that and the spotting i was sure it was all over! However by Friday morning the pain had completely gone along with the spotting so i got to breathe a sigh of relief once again! The spotting came back this morning but appears to have stopped once again but thankfully i have had no pain since Thursday.  I honestly have no clue what is going on but am hoping for good news on Thurdsay!