Before I Was A Mom

A friend of mine posted this on her blog and I love it it's all so very true so I just had to share! Thank you Jessica x

"Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.... Thank God He blessed me to be a mom with my wonderful precious child."

Catching Up

So I figured out how to change my blog name yay! I have a new look too it's a nice change not as exciting as most of the blogs I see but I have no clue how to do that so this will do just fine :)

Anyway I'm going to try my best to catch up a little and maybe try and do monthly updates that's the plan anyway.  I never thought that I would enjoy blogging but even though it's difficult to find the time I enjoy doing it and it's nice to have something to look back on (the good bits anyway) and as for the rest if it can help anyone at all then im happy I think it mostly helps me lol!

Back to catching up! My baby is almost 4 months old 4 MONTHS!! How did that happen? It's strange I can barely imagine life without her it's like she's always been here and yet this has been the fastest 4 months of my life! Grace has grown and changed so much it's crazy.  So much has happened It has been quite an eventful 4 months to say the least.  I have to say that the first 6 weeks of Grace's life are a bit of a blur I was very emotional, shell shocked and exhausted and Grace was extremely unsettled which made it harder.  I hated to admit that I was struggling but I was. I found the sleep deprivation unbareable I totally get why that is a form of toture and my body hurt a lot from lifting and carrying my baby sounds daft my body hurt from lifting a 6lb baby but I guess that's how it is with AMC.  Things began to turn around on Feb 24th yes I remember the date! Grace had been unsettled and having sloppy poops for weeks I ignored this because everyone said that all babies are unsettled for the first few weeks and this crying for hours on end was colic and totally normal and as for the poops she was extremely constipated for the first 2 weeks and on the advice of my midwife I changed her milk to the colic and constipation milk which apparently gives baby sloppy poops so I was to expect that! Despite everyone telling me this I just had this gut feeling things weren't right and I took her to the Dr who agreed with everyone else but me! What can you do when no one listens to you I was just an over anxious mother who isn't right? I guess it couldn't carry on that way without a consequence and on Feb 24th Grace started bleeding into her nappy :( I was horrified and took her straight to A&E.  The bleeding would come with the poops which was like 6 times that night that's a heck of a lot!  I must point out that despite the bloody poops Grace didn't appear unwell.  The Drs did a lot of tests and in the end found that she is actually lactose intolerant apparently this is common!  All I could think was my poor baby i've been giving her milk that has made her sick and I didn't know!  They sent us home with Lactose free milk to try her on and see what happens.  Well withing 24 hours of changing her milk she was like a different baby not unsettled no bloody sloppy poops and genrally a happy healthy baby! This was a real turning point for us and we haven't looked back!  I felt terrible guilt for not getting this dealt with sooner but no one listened to me and I also blamed myself for not breastfeeding I felt like it wouldn't have happened if I had but the Pediatritian assures me that babies can be lactose intolerant no matter what it has nothing to do with breast or bottle.  He also assured me that she will most likely grow out of it and we need to try her on cows milk when we are weaning her to see, im so nervous about this but we are going to see a dietician to talk us through how we go about it so I am thankful for that!  Grace is completely better now it's just like something clicked and from 7 weeks old she has slept through the night! The only issue now is the constipation is back but we are dealing with it by giving her plenty of water with a little apple juice advice from her Dr, it does seem to help a bit.  So one of the biggest lessons i've learnt so far from being a mom is if something just don't seem right go with your gut instinct because you are probably right!

I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier in my blog that Grace was born with Bilateral Talipes this was due to her being in the Breech position for so long this was also the position she was born.  We were a little concerned they may have been fixed and that she may have need surgery but thankfully they were not fixed just positional and with physio and time they are great now!  She also needed a hip scan to make sure she didn't have hip displacement again due to the breech position and with me having AMC it's always best to be cautious but nope again Grace is fine! Music to my ears! She has been through a fair bit in her short little life so far but keeps coming out on top that's my Amazing Grace <3

Grace has come on leaps and bounds it seems like it all happens over night! One minute she's this tiny unresponsive newborn and the next this lively, smiling, laughing, babbling baby! She is so alert and so alive she just amazes me everyday! We have conversations all the time in her baby talk I just love hearing her babbling back at me.  She is so close to rolling now but hasn't quite made it yet.  She is making new sounds everyday I love watching her study me when im talking to her and then watching her trying to form the words and making new sounds.  She holds her head up now and has started sitting in her Bumbo which she loves.  I look forward to each new day seeing what she will do next!  I LOVE being a mommy <3

Moving On...

What I mean by that is I'm thinking on changing my blog name to something else as it's not really a ttc blog anymore not that we wont ttc again but now it's more of a mommy and baby blog that I swear I will find more time to update!! So I'm thinking im going to re name it Baby and Me.  I know not very creative but that's what it is so it works well that's as soon as I figure out how to do it LOL! I don't get to log on all that often and I see it has a new look so I need to figure it all out. Yup im a technophobe if you hadn't noticed!

It feels good to say that im moving on im in such a different place now I really want to focus on my mommy experiences and enjoy every precious moment! Don't get me wrong I cannot and will not forget the journey we went on to get to this point my babies and the pain we went through still rests in my heart. I don't think it will ever not hurt and im ok with that it's a big reminder of just how lucky we are it makes being where im at now so much sweeter because there was a time I thought i'd never be here and it truly is wonderful, hard work in every way you can think of but amazing and I love being a mom more than anything!

So once again i'm going to dash but im going to make more time to do this and update as i've been meaning to do for the last 4 months lol! I'll update as soon as I can as I have SO much to catch up on!

Baby Blues

Wow I'm so behind that the baby blues Im glad to say seem like a very distant memory almost like a bad dream! I almost didn't want to write about it because im in a totally different place now but it was a part of my post partum recovery so I guess I should. 

To be honest I never thought they would hit me in the way that they did I know that sounds like a silly thing to say especially as I have a history of depression but this was my dream I know I was born to be a mom I had been to hell and back to get here I was going to overwhelmed with joy and happiness the baby blues just wasn't going to touch me! HA! Well how wrong was I! When I was in hospital the midwife said that they may hit when my milk comes in due to hormones etc well she was right as predicted the day my milk came in I started to feel teary no big deal everyone gets like this so I didn't think anything of it.  Well It just got progressively worse I would cry for no reason at all for hours over anything something and nothing it didn't matter what it was! I loved my little girl so much but I felt so exhausted and so sad I was sure i'd made a terrible mistake I wasn't born to be a mom I couldn't do it I sucked at it big time! She cried so much I couldn't wind her my body hurt so much from lifting and holding her my teeny tiny baby and I couldn't even seem to manage that!  I had extreme anxiety I couldn't eat and didn't for weeks my baby weight just fell off me and I am now lighter than I was before I even got pregnant!  I would wake up like 50 times a night (thats when I could get any sleep at all) but I would swear i'd got the baby in the bed with me because I couldn't remember putting her back in her crib and then when she wouldn't be there i'd panic until i realised that she was in her crib had been all along! I litereally felt like I was going insane!! On top of that I had this awful guilt how dare I feel like this I have wanted this for so long and was lucky enough to have my baby when I know so many are still waiting I had no right to feel this way but I had no control over it.

It all came to a head when my Midwife came round to see me and I couldn't keep up the front I was putting on for the world to see and I just broke down. She talked me through everything and explained that she could see signs of post natal depression and so thats why she had kept up regular visits to support me. We talked things though and I decided that I didn't want to go down the anti drepressant road and wanted to try and fight it myself.  She explained that it had nothing to do with how I should feel but that it was a chemical imbalance and thats why I felt like that I kinda knew this but when you're in that black cloud nothing makes sense!  Im happy to say I didn't have full blow pp depression I was just borderline I was lucky! I got through it with the support of my family and my amazing midwife.  I only really suffered with it for about a month a very long month!! But then it's almost like something clicked and the black cloud lifted I don't know how or why but all I can say is im so thankful to be out of it now and I can finally enjoy my beautiful baby girl!  Im loving being a mom it is everything I dreamed it would be im so thankful to be out of that dark place!  All I can say is if you do ever feel anything like I did after just having a baby get help sooner rather than later it was down to my midwife that I think I recovered so quick with her help and support otherwise I would have carried on because I was sure it was normal to feel that way and it's not!  Im just so happy to be through it now!

Im sorry that this post seems kind of rushed but I have to grab a few minutes where I can as my beautiful baby girl does not like to take naps during the day! She does sleep thrrough the night so I guess I can't have it all roads haha :o)

Recovery

Ok so I'm way behind and need to try and catch up.  I wanted to write a little about my recovery from the c-section, which by the way feels like a year ago and not just 7 weeks lol! I wanted to log it because it was one of my main concerns about having a c-section I was so worried about how I would feel afterwards and how I would cope looking after Grace.

I can honestly say that I found the recovery pretty easy don't get me wrong I don't think I'm super woman or anything far from it but it was no where near as bad as I had prepared myself for it to be!  It was painful mainly for the first 4-5 days but you have some pretty great painkillers for that so it was bareable the most painful part was standing up straight and walking but I found the more I walked the easier the pain got and less mobile I was the more it hurt so my tip for anyone about to have a section is get moving just don't over do it.  It was also difficult to sit up from a lying down position but I had a bed ladder to use and that was a Godsend!  Lifting Grace was difficult for me infact for the first 2 days I couldn't do it from standing which was incredibly frustrating but the midwives were very understanding and helped me a lot I am so grateful for that!  After the 5th day i'd say I felt great I could lift Grace and do pretty much what I needed to and as long as I paced myself I was fine so my overall experience of having a c-section birth was a good one.  I do think that having a planned c-section helped i've heard that it is easier to recover from a planned c-section rather than an emergency one and I was in an awful lot of pain with my hips beforehand anyway and i'd say the pain from the c-section was on a par with the pain I was in before so I guess that helped in a way it was nothing new to me I guess just in a different place.  I am happy to say the the pain in my pelvis and hips left me pretty much instantly from having Grace and I am almost pain free now! It feels so good to be more active now!

The one thing I did struggle greatly with was the baby blues but I will write about that in another post as once again mommy duties call! :o)

Birth Story

Grace is asleep! Not sure for how long but im going to take this opportunity to write Grace's birth story.

As you know I had a planned C-Section something that I had mixed feelings about.  Like most women I wanted to experience labour it's all part of becoming a mom but due to various complications it was decided that a planned section would be the safer option.  I wasn't against a c-section especially as I knew it was the safer option but a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to experience labour.  Looking back on the whole experience I now know that it was most definitely the right decision for me and I had an amazing experience I wouldn't hesitate to have a c-section again if the need came.

So Grace's birthday the 12/01/12 began very early as I had to be at the hospital for 7.30am.  We were told to go wait in a waiting room with the other ladies that were having c-sections that day.  It felt so strange knowing we were all going to become mothers in just a few hours.  The Dr came round and filled us in on the procedure and then we were all taken up to the ward to wait for surgery.  When we got up there we were told where we were on the list as usual I was last LOL! I say that because whenever I have surgery I always end up being last on the list!  I didn't really mind even though the waiting took forever but it gave me longer to savour my last day of being pregnant, yes I was tired and uncomfortable but I always cherished my bump and feeling Grace move and even though I couldn't wait to hold her I also felt sad to let go of the pregnancy I couldn't believe it had come to end.

So after a LONG day of waiting the theatre nurse finally came and told me to get my gown on and passed Richard some scrubs to wear this was an exciting moment and we took the opportunity to have some fun and take pictures posting them to facebook for laughs lol.  Then after more waiting they took us down to theatre.  I had been so nervous about the section I have had many operations but haven't been awake for any of them and the thought of being awake for this terrified me what if the epidural didn't work? What if I felt pain? Silly I know but you can't help but worry of course I didn't want to miss the birth but still major surgery whilst still awake is a scary thought!  Obviously I soon learnt that I had nothing to worry about!  They began by administering the epidural another thing I was nervous about but I didn't need to be I didn't feel a thing! They give you a local anesthetic first so you don't actually feel the epidural and it worked pretty much straight away.  First my legs went all warm and a little tingly then they felt heavy and then nothing.  To make sure the epidural was working they used a cold spray which they sprayed on my arm first so that I knew what it felt like then they spayed my belly several times until I couldn't feel the spray at all then as a final test they put something really sharp on my belly and asked if I could feel it I couldn't so they began.  It was strange because for a little while I wasn't sure if they had even started even though they were well on there way!  The most I could feel of the surgery was a gentle pulling sensation similar to how it felt when Grace was moving around inside me it wasn't uncomfortable at all.  It amazed me how quick it was from the start of the op to the moment Grace was born I heard the Dr say we have one leg here's the other and here is baby! At that moment I could hear Grace crying the most wonderful moment of my life. I knew the moment she was born because I felt it, that sounds strange I know but there was this intense pressure that I felt all over and then she was born! I'm grateful for that sensation it was wonderful to feel something the moment she was born.  They told me she was a girl which I already knew but it was so exciting to hear it and the Dr said she came out bum first so she was breech,  I'm grateful that she wasn't transverse which she had been for most of the day!   They then took her off to be cleaned and weighed etc.  She was 6lbs 6ozs and just perfect!  Richard went to take some pictures and I watched as they cleaned her and got her dressed.  It was such a special moment when they handed her to Richard and I got to see her little face for the first time.  I wanted to have skin to skin contact but due to one of the side effects from the drugs I was unable to but I didn't mind I was just in awe of everything.  Unfortunately one of the side effects was shivering that's putting it mildly though as I would describe it more like uncontrollable shaking! That was the only thing I didn't like as it was pretty uncomfortable and made holding Grace difficult but it only lasted for about an hour or so then it passed.

My birth experience was a wonderful one and both Grace and I received the best care.  I often relive the day over in my mind and still can't quite believe that she's here!  I hope I have remembered everything if not i'm sure I will fill in the gaps at some point.  I don't regret having a C-Section at all and Grace's birthday is most definitely the best day of my life so far!

Grace I Made A Wish...

And you came true! Sorry it has taken me so long to update but I have been mega busy being a mom! It feels so good to say that!  My little girl is FINALLY here and as you may have guessed from the title we named her Grace.  We had a long list of names we really liked but we wanted to see her before we decided.  I think deep down I always knew she would be Grace I've loved the named since forever and it also has a special meaning for me there just couldn't be a better name for her.  Her full name is Grace Ann it is so special because of a memory I have from the miscarriage I had last year I was unconsolaable the night I lost our angel and the nurse that took care of me said "by the grace of God you will get there" that may not mean much to some but it always stuck in my mind and well she was right my little girl is my grace we finally got there and have her in our arms it's the perfect name for her! Ann is my mothers middle name and my mom is amazing so another perfect name for her :o).  She is beautiful and I love her so much!  I will post again with a picture of my little beauty and my birth story when I have more time but I just wanted to update and say that Grace has arrived safely and we are both doing great! :o)