Faith

There have been a few times in my life where I have found my faith being tested I have always overcome those times feeling stronger and reassured by my faith, but it hasn't been an easy road to get there.  This past year has been another test of faith for me not only for the heartache I have been through but for what I have witnessed so many others go through aswell.  The past couple of months have been particularly hard and I have struggled at times to accept Gods plan.  When I say that I don't mean that I think he wanted me to lose my baby I think he is just as sad about miscarriages as we are but I know that in experiencing the losses it is making me stronger even though I feel far from it at times.

Today I feel stronger and at peace, a feeling I haven't felt for a while. We have just got home from our Easter Service at church it was so beautiful and inspiring. The preists sermon was about knowing what we have to come and the mystery of faith how even though we do not always see we still believe.  He talked about knowing how we will see our loved ones again that they are with God and will be waiting with him for us.  This is something I have always believed but he had a way of putting it that really hit home I wish I could put it that way but im not very good with words.  Just hearing it gave me a sense of peace and I knew that God was with me carrying me through the hard times and just for knowing that makes me feel so much stronger!

I now know for sure that we can do this, we will get through this and it will all happen in HIS time and im at peace with that.

2 Months

Today it is 2 months since we said goodbye and im getting there. Im not really sure if I will ever "get there" or where exactly "there" is! I guess the idea of having a normal day where I don't think about the what ifs would be nice but im not sure that will ever happen, I guess only time will tell.

I knew that the next couple of months would be difficult.  All my pregnant friends are having their babies now and it's hard!  I don't want them to think that im not happy for them because that couldn't be further from the truth I love them and will love their babies and to see the people I love have their babies is wonderful... But i'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I was TTC before any of them began TTC I was pregnant the first time before any of them were pregnant and now I feel so left behind and I want to be going through this with them not watching from the sidelines.  They are all so excited and happy and they have every right to be I would be bursting with happiness if it were me! I just wish I could share in their excitement in a way I would if I hadn't walked this road I wish I didn't have to take a deep breath and reach deep down inside of me to give them the response they want when they talk to me about all things baby.  I HATE that the joy is hard to find because it is there it's just buried under my own heart ache.  It makes it more difficult because these are the people I would reach out to when I need to talk or cry and they have been so supportive but I can't reach out to them now. I know that they would listen and be there but how can I bring them down at this special and exciting time for them I just can't do that.  Richard is there and he always listens and supports me and I need him so much now I just wish I could have my friends too.

So I need to "get there" soon because I don't want to feel like this any more! Im going to focus on the positives and enjoy being a auntie to all these beautiful babes and hope that one day it will be me!

CD1

So it's CD1 again! Im ok with it I didn't expect to get pregnant on the first try after my miscarriage especially with all the abnormal bleeding right before O.  Im thinking my womb probably wasn't a very welcoming place for a baby at that time!  Also it would be nice to have a completely normal cycle without random bleeding so I can know my body has healed and will be strong enough to carry a healthy pregnancy to term. 

As I didn't really give the whole "relaxing" plan a chance last cycle due to what happened I am determind to give it a try this time.  So no temping/charting or OPKs wish me luck!!

Mothers Day

Today is Mothers day we will be spending the day with our mothers reminding them how special they are to us.  I wanted to wish all those moms and moms to be out there a wonderful Mothers day.  Today feels a little sad for me. I should be a mom today this should have been my first official Mothers day.  I know I am a Mom to my Angels but it's not the same it wont be recognised by those around me only to Richard and I in our hearts. I hope they know how much we love them and think about them each day.  I want them to know that on this Mothers day and each one after they are very much in our hearts and we will always love them very much. I found this poem online it is beautiful and I wanted to share it.

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

Update!

A small but exciting one I think I ovulated! I haven't been charting but since I had the bleeding last week right before O time I was sure it would mess up my cycle so I wanted to track it to see if it did have any affect.  I had a positive OPK on Sunday a temp dip on Monday and then 3 high temps after so it looks like I O'd on Monday :hula:.  Not that I expect to get pregnant this cycle if there's one thing im used to with TTC it's waiting but it's so good to know my body is doing something right and it is nice to feel like a have a chance even if it is a small one.  This makes me happy! :)