Wednesday 20 April 2011

2 Months

Today it is 2 months since we said goodbye and im getting there. Im not really sure if I will ever "get there" or where exactly "there" is! I guess the idea of having a normal day where I don't think about the what ifs would be nice but im not sure that will ever happen, I guess only time will tell.

I knew that the next couple of months would be difficult.  All my pregnant friends are having their babies now and it's hard!  I don't want them to think that im not happy for them because that couldn't be further from the truth I love them and will love their babies and to see the people I love have their babies is wonderful... But i'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I was TTC before any of them began TTC I was pregnant the first time before any of them were pregnant and now I feel so left behind and I want to be going through this with them not watching from the sidelines.  They are all so excited and happy and they have every right to be I would be bursting with happiness if it were me! I just wish I could share in their excitement in a way I would if I hadn't walked this road I wish I didn't have to take a deep breath and reach deep down inside of me to give them the response they want when they talk to me about all things baby.  I HATE that the joy is hard to find because it is there it's just buried under my own heart ache.  It makes it more difficult because these are the people I would reach out to when I need to talk or cry and they have been so supportive but I can't reach out to them now. I know that they would listen and be there but how can I bring them down at this special and exciting time for them I just can't do that.  Richard is there and he always listens and supports me and I need him so much now I just wish I could have my friends too.

So I need to "get there" soon because I don't want to feel like this any more! Im going to focus on the positives and enjoy being a auntie to all these beautiful babes and hope that one day it will be me!

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