Will This Ever Be Over?

So just as I start moving forward I feel like I take 2 steps back.  Yesterday morning was a bit of a nightmare that I certainly didn't expect.  I was absolutely fine just doing housework when suddenly there was blood everywhere! (sorry TMI)  It literally was gushing out of me.  I called my Dr straight away who told me to go straight to the hospital.  Richard was at work so my brother took me straight there and Richard met us at the hospital.  They checked me over I had a high temperature and my blood pressure was really low so they were concerned that there was some left over tissue that may have been infected.  I had passed some tissue with the bleeding and as soon as I had the cramps and back pain stopped so they that may have been what was happening just my body finally expelling it they also mentioned some kind of hormonal imbalance which may have been connected to the abnormal bleeding.  My temp also came down shortly after so after that they were less concerned.  They took more bloods and swabs and said when the results came back they would let me know if I needed any treatment but could go home. 

The Dr at the hospital asked if I had been referred on to someone due my 2 miscarriages and the Arthrogryposis that I have. There may be a connection and it really should be looked into.  I said I had tried to get the referral but my GP was unwilling to help unless I had 3 miscarriages as that was their policy. She rolled her eyes and said yes that's right but im not a "normal" case and so they should ignore that rule in my case! So im going to see a different Dr at my surgery and tell them exactly what they said at the hospital and hope that this Dr will be willing to help!

It was all pretty scary but now the bleeding appears to have slowed down and is more like spotting now so im relieved about that!  I just hope it's all over now.

Just Relax

Now I know my TTC friends will all know just how frustrating it is to hear people say "just relax". It always seems to be the advice of those who have 'oops' babies or were only ttc for a very short time. They have never known what it feels like to feel that heart sinking disappointment month after month or when you finally get there to have it so cruelly taken away from you by miscarriage.  They don't know what it's like to feel like a mother without a child.  Not that i would ever wish any of this on anyone but it can be so frustrating when the only advice they have to offer is "just relax" I'd rather they didn't offer any!  But now and again there will be a story of couples that have struggled with infertility for years have had several failed IVF attempts and finally decide to accept that maybe they will never have a child of there own or have a ttc break and then BAM they're pregnant!!  Could that be that they "just relaxed?"  Im not sure maybe it was just their time but it makes me wonder maybe just maybe...

To be honest i've never understood why people assume that im stressed out about TTC when they learn that we are trying it's the first thing they say "oh just relax it will happen" why do they think im not already relaxed? So i've used OPKs and Charting to try and maximise our chances but that doesn't make it stressful if anything it makes it easier.  I don't Ovulate on the same day each month every month is different so it makes sense to know when it's coming in some ways the not knowing would be more stressful for me.  I have never found TTC stressful, yes i've felt disappointment when AF shows up and yes my miscarriages were truly devastating and I carry that pain with me every day.  Wouldn't everyone feel that way?  It doesn't mean that we stop having fun we have a wonderful life and we work through our struggles just like everyone else.

So i've been thinking as I have given everything else a try as far as I can on my own and as my Dr seems to be pretty unhelpful right now im going to JUST RELAX! When I say that I mean im not going to Chart or use OPKs at least for a couple of cycles. The most I will do mainly because I can't not is listen to my body after almost 16 months of TTC I know the signs so maybe i'll make use of that but that's it! If im not pregnant after 2 or 3 cycles then I might give my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor a try I bought it on my BFP cycle (before I knew I was pregnant!) so I haven't had a chance to use it yet. Although I still insist that just because I have or will be using aids to help me get pregnant does not mean im stressing about it! I just want my baby! Lets just see how this goes you never know!!

One Month

Tomorrow it will one month since we said goodbye to our little Angel.  Time goes so quickly especially when you are constantly wishing you can hit the rewind button and change what happend but you can't.  I am happy to say though that I am healing both physically and emotionally.  Physically AF has been and gone :hula: and WAY earlier than expected. I think this has helped a lot the waiting and wondering when I can get back to normal again doesn't help with trying to move forward, I now have hope again.  My HPTs are FINALLY negative!! I confirmed it this morning by using a FRER it seems such a waste of a FRER when you're hoping it to be negative rather than postive but at least if im lucky enough to see those 2 lines again I will know it's the real deal and not a bit of HCG left over from this pregnancy.  It's hard to see that familiar sight of BFNs but I know I have to so I can move forward.

Emotionally im getting there. There will always a part of me that hurts when I think about my little Angels wondering what might have been and I do have good and bad days but thats ok.  I have spent time with a great friend of mine who is 6 months pregnant and it doesn't hurt to see her bump.  I feel excited to meet her little one the only thing that makes me sad is not having a bump of my own. To start feeling excited again is a good feeling! I also spent some time looking after my friends baby she is 6 months old and so cute! I thought this would be hard and at first it was but soon my heart melted when I saw her little smile and I found taking care of her so uplifting if a laughing baby can't lift your spirits nothing can!  I feel stronger and more like me. I accept the bad days I know they are going to come but there are some days I just need to cry.  Other days I just need to laugh and I am so thankful for my husband, family and friends who are there for both!

An Unexpected Arrival

Aunt Flo is here!! I wasn't expecting her for at least another 3 weeks as the Dr said I should expect her approximately 6 weeks after my miscarriage but 3 weeks to the day here she is! It does seem though that there is no real 'norm' after a miscarriage it all depends on the individual so I guess im grateful that it's all happened sooner than expected and that my body is healing as it should.  I will feel better when my HPTs are negative they are almost there they look like my very first BFP sooo faint but there. I remember how excited I was to see that faint line now it makes me sad to want it to disappear but I know it has to for me to stand a chance of getting pregnant again. It's all a bitter sweet feeling but overall im seeing it as positive and at least we can begin TTC again I don't want to wait any longer than I have to. We can't replace the little babies we have lost but it eases the pain to try again and have that hope i've missed the hope. It's so good to feel hopeful again!

Due Date

Today would have been my due date for the first baby I lost. I can't believe that the due date has come around so quickly!  I have to admit it hurts I thought I would be stronger I also thought I would be pregnant again by this date which would have eased the sting, not that being pregnant would have made me forget you just don't forget these precious dates but knowing that another baby would be coming into my life would have helped.  I think im feeling it more because I've just lost another and that is still VERY raw.  I was talking to a friend about it the other day and happened to mention that today was the due date for my first baby and she was shocked that i remembered it! How could I ever forget?!  She said that it would drive me crazy to think like that and I shouldn't hang on to these dates.  This shocked me that she could say that these are my babies and I might not have them in my arms but they will always be in heart I can't just forget them!  Everyone likes to believe something different and thats cool but for me I truly believe that my babies are in heaven waiting for me.  I have to believe that because I can't believe they are gone forever I just can't! It's that what keeps me going, that and the hope of a successful pregnancy and actually holding a baby in my arms one day I just know we will get there!
I miss my babies <3 25/6/10 <3 20/02/11 <3