TMI Warning: There are details about my miscarriage I have left a lot out but i understand this is a sensitive subject and if you would prefer not to read about it then stop here.
I know i said in my last post that it was over but now it really is over! It all came to an end on Sunday night in a truamatic way that will stay in my mind forever. The saying 'calm before the storm' is so true. Sunday was a better day much better than the 9 days i had before! I had no cramps all day and the bleeding although still there appeared to be less, i thought maybe i had passed everything and this nightmare was finally coming to an end, after all according to the scan i only had a tiny sac to pass so it must be over. How wrong was i! Little did i know itwas just getting started.
We had a spent the day with Richards family and then went round to my parents house on the evening. My Mom asked how I was feeling i said great no cramps all day! Litrally 20 minutes after saying that the cramps started but much stronger and sharper than i had before. I took some co-codamol and hoped they would ease the pain a bit. Usually after an hour or so the tablets kick in and at least take the edge of but they didn't and my Momand Rich were getting really worried and wanted me to go to the hospital. Even though i felt terrible the thought of the hospital scared me i didn't know what they would do so i wanted to wait it out some more just to see if it would pass. I was only 4 weeks along in my last miscarriage and even though that was as heartbraking as this physically it was much easier to deal with so this time i knew it would be worse as i was at that point 10 weeks along. It got to 10.30pm and i knew i couldn't wait it out anymore and had to go to hospital so off we went.
We got to A&E and thankfully they rushed me straight through. They did some tests and sent me straight over to Gyne. It was then that i lost my baby. I wont go in to all the details as i can honestly say it was the most traumatic experience of my life! I am so grateful for the Drs and Nurses i know it's their job but they really looked after me i was in such a state. When it was all over the Dr asked if i wanted to see my baby. This took me by surprise as i thought there was no baby! I didn't know what to say but i said yes. He showed me it was small but had the form of a baby it broke my heart to see it but it was my baby so im glad i did. They said it measured at about 7 weeks which i guess made sense as the spotting started at 7.5 weeks. It made me question the Ultrasound scan i had as there was nothing there and this baby was big enough to be seen! The Dr said that i have a retroverted uterus and in some cases it can make it difficult to see a baby on a scan before 12 weeks. I wish they had done an internal scan now and spared me the 10 days of hell not knowing what was going on! Why didn't they?!
After i had lost the baby they said they needed me to stay the night as i hadn't passed the placenta so they were giving me an injection to make my womb contract and hopefully pass it. If i didn't they would have to take me to theatre in the morning for a D&C. I also had a little infection so i needed some anti-biotics. Thankfully a few hours later i passed the placenta it wasn't as scary as i imagined it would be.
As much as i didn't want this to happen i am glad to say that at least some good came out of the bad. They found that i am Rhesus Negative and although they wont know for sure that may have been a possible cause for the loss. This also makes me angry the amount of times i have been in hospital for surgery and no one bothered to inform me of this! I even asked my GP once and it wasn't in my notes! Why not?! I can't change that i didn't know before but i am so glad i know now! They gave me an Anti D injection straight away so at least if this was the cause it wont happen again. Also they said that because i had 2 miscarriages just a few months apart i could be referred to the recurrent miscarriages clinic for tests just to make sure there is no other reason for the losses. I have to see my GP on Monday about getting the referral. Im grateful for this and hopeful that next time we will have our sticky bean!
This loss has been so hard, im so grateful that some good has come from it but it doesn't make the loss easier to deal with. We wanted this baby more than anything and although i thought i had accepted it before i actually miscarried i know now i hadn't i desperately want to turn the clock back and make it right but i can't. I don't want to try again for months and months just waiting for it to happen! But i will.
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Saturday, 19 February 2011
It's All Over
Sorry it's taken me so long to update but the thought of putting everything into words seemed so hard to do im not sure why. Im feeling a little stronger now and feel that i should get this down before i feel i can't again! I really didn't know what to title this blog post It's All Over seems so final and i guess we don't technically know that for sure until my next scan on Thursday although I know in my heart it is but still always praying for that miracle! I guess It's All Over is fine for now as thats what i have forced myself to come to terms with.
So Thursday Feb 10th i went for my early scan. I was so nervous but hopeful i had heard lots of stories of girls having spotting early on in pregnancy and yet everything was fine so i was hopeful that would be the case with me. We got to the early pregnancy unit at Heartlands Hospital and had to wait it in a dark dingy green waiting room it wasn't very welcoming and why are all hospital waiting rooms green have you ever noticed that?! It was full of girls all looking as equally nervous as me. The walls were full of posters and information leaflets on Miscarriage on one side of the wall (just what you wanna see right?!) But on the other side were newspaper cuttings with stories of miracle babies and thank you cards sent from people who they had helped to get pregnant. It was nice to see those.
We waited for what seemed forever and i was watching the girls come out from the scan before me holding their scan pictures and smiling i couldn't help but think that would be me in a few short minutes. Eventually i got called through the sonographer took all my details as to why i was having the early scan then asked me to lie back to begin the scan. She said she would take a good look first and then show me what she could see. I was glad that i couldn't see the screen at first i knew i would only panic if they couldn't see anything but from where Richard was standing he could see everything so i just stared at him trying to read if his expression was good or bad, but i don't really think he knew what he was looking at so it was pretty blank and gave me no clues at all! The Sonographer then turned the screen towards me and said "im afaid it's a little too early to see baby but we can see a healthy gestational sac that's measuring 5-6 weeks". Immediately i freaked out and pointed out that im supposed to 8 weeks! She could see how upset i was getting and tried to calm me down and said that this happens all the time lots of girls get their dates wrong and if i had another scan in 2 weeks we would see a baby! Now i can get that a lot of girls can get their dates mixed up but with temping and charting and using OPKs etc i knew the exact date i ovualted so i wasn't sure in this case that i was going to be one of those girls and immediately assumed the worst! After i had calmed down she explained that a nurse would see me and explain everything in more detail to me. So back to more waiting!
Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long to go and see the nurse. I took a liking to her straight away she didn't try to fob me off with "oh don't worry it will all be fine" speeches she was straight with me! I mean it's nice to believe that everything will be ok and believe me i wanted to but i didn't want false hope either. She took down all my history which took a while! Then I told her the date that i ovulated and she used a round dial device (i have no idea what it's called) to measure the dates with and said i don't want to give you false hope but there is a chance you could be 6 weeks pregnant based on that date and all babies do develop at different rates so there is a ray of hope. On the other hand we could also be looking at a missed miscarriage where the baby stopped developing at 5-6weeks but your body is continuing the pregnancy. She said the only way we could know for sure was to have another scan in 2 weeks time she said if this is a viable pregnancy we will see a baby then for sure! I came away from that with a little bit of hope but glad to know the facts and prepared to wait for 2 weeks in limbo.
The moment i got home my little ray of hope vanished as i had noticed that what was a tiny bit of brown spotting had turned into full blown bleeding! I know that a lot of women do bleed during pregnancy but with the news i had already been given i knew this wasn't a good sign. I called the nurse at the early pregnancy unit to explain to her what was happening and she said to rest it may stop or on the other hand it could be a miscarriage but to wait it out and as long as the bleeding didn't get too heavy or i didn't feel too unwell just see what happens and go back for the scan in 2 weeks time. So this is where im at now still bleeding like a period 9 days of bleeding now and still no end in sight i have cramping that lasts most of the day and feel really washed out but i am coping and i guess as i am coping there is no need to go to hospital im better off just waiting for the scan which i will presume will confirm a miscarriage. My only hope now is that they say i have passed everything naturally so that i don't have to go and have a D&C. Im worried that i haven't as i did a pregnancy test and for now it is very positive! Maybe it just takes time to fade i don't know. I hope the bleeding and cramps stop soon i really just want to get back to being me again. I guess we will have to wait till Thursday for answers. This has been so hard for me and Richard and we are working through different emotions every day but we are strong and will get through this! I am so thankful for my family, friends and all the wonderful friends i have made from TMP im so grateful for all the messages of support thankyou so much.
So Thursday Feb 10th i went for my early scan. I was so nervous but hopeful i had heard lots of stories of girls having spotting early on in pregnancy and yet everything was fine so i was hopeful that would be the case with me. We got to the early pregnancy unit at Heartlands Hospital and had to wait it in a dark dingy green waiting room it wasn't very welcoming and why are all hospital waiting rooms green have you ever noticed that?! It was full of girls all looking as equally nervous as me. The walls were full of posters and information leaflets on Miscarriage on one side of the wall (just what you wanna see right?!) But on the other side were newspaper cuttings with stories of miracle babies and thank you cards sent from people who they had helped to get pregnant. It was nice to see those.
We waited for what seemed forever and i was watching the girls come out from the scan before me holding their scan pictures and smiling i couldn't help but think that would be me in a few short minutes. Eventually i got called through the sonographer took all my details as to why i was having the early scan then asked me to lie back to begin the scan. She said she would take a good look first and then show me what she could see. I was glad that i couldn't see the screen at first i knew i would only panic if they couldn't see anything but from where Richard was standing he could see everything so i just stared at him trying to read if his expression was good or bad, but i don't really think he knew what he was looking at so it was pretty blank and gave me no clues at all! The Sonographer then turned the screen towards me and said "im afaid it's a little too early to see baby but we can see a healthy gestational sac that's measuring 5-6 weeks". Immediately i freaked out and pointed out that im supposed to 8 weeks! She could see how upset i was getting and tried to calm me down and said that this happens all the time lots of girls get their dates wrong and if i had another scan in 2 weeks we would see a baby! Now i can get that a lot of girls can get their dates mixed up but with temping and charting and using OPKs etc i knew the exact date i ovualted so i wasn't sure in this case that i was going to be one of those girls and immediately assumed the worst! After i had calmed down she explained that a nurse would see me and explain everything in more detail to me. So back to more waiting!
Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long to go and see the nurse. I took a liking to her straight away she didn't try to fob me off with "oh don't worry it will all be fine" speeches she was straight with me! I mean it's nice to believe that everything will be ok and believe me i wanted to but i didn't want false hope either. She took down all my history which took a while! Then I told her the date that i ovulated and she used a round dial device (i have no idea what it's called) to measure the dates with and said i don't want to give you false hope but there is a chance you could be 6 weeks pregnant based on that date and all babies do develop at different rates so there is a ray of hope. On the other hand we could also be looking at a missed miscarriage where the baby stopped developing at 5-6weeks but your body is continuing the pregnancy. She said the only way we could know for sure was to have another scan in 2 weeks time she said if this is a viable pregnancy we will see a baby then for sure! I came away from that with a little bit of hope but glad to know the facts and prepared to wait for 2 weeks in limbo.
The moment i got home my little ray of hope vanished as i had noticed that what was a tiny bit of brown spotting had turned into full blown bleeding! I know that a lot of women do bleed during pregnancy but with the news i had already been given i knew this wasn't a good sign. I called the nurse at the early pregnancy unit to explain to her what was happening and she said to rest it may stop or on the other hand it could be a miscarriage but to wait it out and as long as the bleeding didn't get too heavy or i didn't feel too unwell just see what happens and go back for the scan in 2 weeks time. So this is where im at now still bleeding like a period 9 days of bleeding now and still no end in sight i have cramping that lasts most of the day and feel really washed out but i am coping and i guess as i am coping there is no need to go to hospital im better off just waiting for the scan which i will presume will confirm a miscarriage. My only hope now is that they say i have passed everything naturally so that i don't have to go and have a D&C. Im worried that i haven't as i did a pregnancy test and for now it is very positive! Maybe it just takes time to fade i don't know. I hope the bleeding and cramps stop soon i really just want to get back to being me again. I guess we will have to wait till Thursday for answers. This has been so hard for me and Richard and we are working through different emotions every day but we are strong and will get through this! I am so thankful for my family, friends and all the wonderful friends i have made from TMP im so grateful for all the messages of support thankyou so much.
Saturday, 5 February 2011
7 Weeks
So im 7 weeks and 5 days today! In some ways i can't believe how fast the time is flying by and in others it's going way to slow. I wish i could say this has been a good week but really it has been so stressful. On Wednesday night i started spotting it wasn't much sometimes it was pink others brown mixed in with mucous (sorry for the TMI). Of course i knew that a little bit of spotting in early pregnancy is common and as long as it's not bright red a lot of bleeding with cramps then it should be nothing to worry about. In reality i saw it and paniked! My Midwife hadn't made contact with me yet so i decided to go see the Nurse to get checked out. Im so glad i did she was so nice and understanding, she checked me over and said that my cervix was closed and that there was no blood visable at that time. Knowing that made me feel much better. She called the Midwife for me and she arranged for me to have an early scan thats booked for 11.30am next Thursday im so nervous about it but it will be great to see baby for the first time and hopefully get some good news! Thursday evening was the worst time for me i felt so reassured after seeing the nurse but then the spotting came back and i got really bad back pain i couldn't stand, sit or lie down nothing i did brought me comfort so with that and the spotting i was sure it was all over! However by Friday morning the pain had completely gone along with the spotting so i got to breathe a sigh of relief once again! The spotting came back this morning but appears to have stopped once again but thankfully i have had no pain since Thursday. I honestly have no clue what is going on but am hoping for good news on Thurdsay!
Friday, 28 January 2011
6 Weeks
So here I am 6 weeks pregnant! I never get bored of saying that, well until i get to 7 weeks i need the weeks to go faster! So far I feel pretty good still no Morning sickness although i have had a couple of days where if i haven't eaten by 5.00 i felt a little queasy but thats it for now. I have felt a little more pregnant this week i have some mild cramping and pulling sensations which i like to feel as that reminds me that there is still something going on in there and my tender boobs which would come and go last week are more of a permanent feature and much more painful but i can live with that! I think i may have to go buy a few Maternity Bras soon as mine seem to be getting pretty uncomfortable to wear is it sad that im kinda excited about that lol?! One of the other symptoms i do have is vivid dreams every night is just crazy crazy dreams! I did have one miscarrige dream that was so real for a few seconds when i woke up i thought it had actually happened i was so relieved when i realised it was just a dream! Im sure some of it is hormones and the rest just anxiety. Im trying to stay as realxed as possible and enjoy feeling good rather than stressing about any symptoms i don't have 12 weeks can't come quick enough for me i need to see my baby and know that everything is ok but i still have that good feeling so im taking that as a good sign!
I get to make my first Midwife appointment next week im so excited about that. I know it will be pretty boring mainly answering questions and filling out forms etc but it's just another step closer to having my scan and my first actual appointment other than confirming my pregnancy so that is pretty exciting <3
I get to make my first Midwife appointment next week im so excited about that. I know it will be pretty boring mainly answering questions and filling out forms etc but it's just another step closer to having my scan and my first actual appointment other than confirming my pregnancy so that is pretty exciting <3
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
5 Weeks
I can't tell you how excited i am to be able to say im 5 weeks pregnant! I know it's very early days and still not taking one single day of this pregnancy for granted but i didn't even get this far last time so for me this is a mini milestone in itself!
I haven't really had too many symptoms yet which i have to admit that bothers me! I see lots of girls at 5 weeks or even earlier having all kinds of symptoms and i want some too just for that peace of mind that everything is ok! Right now that peace of mind is like goldust to me. So far I have had sore boobs that come and go some days they are really sore others like right now they don't hurt at all why is that? The bloat and twinges come and go too. I've still been taking my temp every morning seeing it still WAY above the coverline helps make me feel better. Im still waiting for the nausea to kick in, not that i want to feel sick i hate that but another symptom would be nice! I've been doing as much research as i can and from what i can see lots of girls feel the way i do now at this point so thats good to know. I hate to speak too soon but i do have this positive feeling that everything will be ok it's a feeling that i didn't have last time so im hoping this is a good sign!
It was my Birthday on Saturday i have to say it was pretty special knowing that i was pregnant. Rich took me out for a meal and we did a little bit of shopping! Always fun for me not so much for him lol! We did go and buy the book What to expect when expecting and a baby names book which we have had a lot of fun with looking through the names. I don't want to buy anything for baby until i have had my first scan i will feel like i can relax and really enjoy my pregnancy then. I did want to buy a little something for baby so we decided to buy a childrens story book that i can read to baby and i wrote the date we found out inside. The date was 11/1/11 which i thought was pretty cool! It was just our little way of marking the day.
I got the pregnancy confirmed at the Drs on Monday i would have been 5 weeks on the dot so decided i should go. I didn't want to rush in im taking this pregnancy just one day at a time. She confirmed everything and said to make an appointment with the Asthma nurse to monitor my asthma apparently pregnancy can affect it and also to make an appointment to see the midwife in 2 weeks time, im so excited i think this pregnancy will seem even more real then!
I haven't really had too many symptoms yet which i have to admit that bothers me! I see lots of girls at 5 weeks or even earlier having all kinds of symptoms and i want some too just for that peace of mind that everything is ok! Right now that peace of mind is like goldust to me. So far I have had sore boobs that come and go some days they are really sore others like right now they don't hurt at all why is that? The bloat and twinges come and go too. I've still been taking my temp every morning seeing it still WAY above the coverline helps make me feel better. Im still waiting for the nausea to kick in, not that i want to feel sick i hate that but another symptom would be nice! I've been doing as much research as i can and from what i can see lots of girls feel the way i do now at this point so thats good to know. I hate to speak too soon but i do have this positive feeling that everything will be ok it's a feeling that i didn't have last time so im hoping this is a good sign!
It was my Birthday on Saturday i have to say it was pretty special knowing that i was pregnant. Rich took me out for a meal and we did a little bit of shopping! Always fun for me not so much for him lol! We did go and buy the book What to expect when expecting and a baby names book which we have had a lot of fun with looking through the names. I don't want to buy anything for baby until i have had my first scan i will feel like i can relax and really enjoy my pregnancy then. I did want to buy a little something for baby so we decided to buy a childrens story book that i can read to baby and i wrote the date we found out inside. The date was 11/1/11 which i thought was pretty cool! It was just our little way of marking the day.
I got the pregnancy confirmed at the Drs on Monday i would have been 5 weeks on the dot so decided i should go. I didn't want to rush in im taking this pregnancy just one day at a time. She confirmed everything and said to make an appointment with the Asthma nurse to monitor my asthma apparently pregnancy can affect it and also to make an appointment to see the midwife in 2 weeks time, im so excited i think this pregnancy will seem even more real then!
Friday, 14 January 2011
Best Birthday Gift EVER!
It has taken me a little while to update my blog because well im still in shock and disbelief at my early birthday surprise, i've needed time to let it sink in and im still waiting for that lol! So wondering what im talking about? If you don't know already here it is!
Yep you guessed it im PREGNANT!! Sorry about the pic being so blurry i was litrally shaking as i took it! I keep going back to look at it to remind myself im really not sure when it will sink in. What i do know is Richard and I are over the moon there are just no words out there to express how happy we are right now. I have to admit that the happiness is equally matched by fear. I wish i didn't feel it but after last time I do so we are praying SO hard for this to be a sticky little bean and thank God everyday for this amazing little miracle he has blessed us with.
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Arthrogryposis
One of the reasons for me having this blog is for me to be able to document some of my experiences TTC and hopefully pregnancy and Motherhood as a girl with AMC (Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita). My reason for this is since we began TTC 13 months ago i have tried so hard to find information on TTC with Arthrogryposis such as could it be a cause of any difficulties conceiving? I still haven't found the answer to this other than I know that personally im struggling but if it is connected to AMC i don't know. But also i would like to find out how women with AMC cope in pregnancy and giving birth? I know that AMC is pretty rare I think it occurs in something like 1 in 3000 births so most people i have met have never heard of it but i thought that there would be more out there on the world wide web than there is! Yes you can find a ton of info on babies and children with AMC and information for parents who have children with it which is great but anything about TTC and Pregnancy I can't find anything! Perhaps im looking in the wrong places, I can't be the only one can I?! Surely not, so this is my way of putting my personal experiences out there for anyone else who might be looking.
So this is just a brief explanation of what AMC is:
So this is just a brief explanation of what AMC is:
"Arthrogryposis" (Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita) is a term describing the presence of multiple joint contractures at birth. A contracture is a limitation in the range of motion of a joint.
In some cases, few joints maybe affected and the range of motion may be nearly normal. In the "classic" case of Arthrogryposis, hands, wrists, elbows, shoulders, hips, feet, and knees are affected. In the most severe cases, nearly every body joint may be involved, including the jaw and back. Frequently, the joint contractures are accompanied by muscle weakness which further limits movement. I have the "classic" form of AMC.
So I hope in some small way this blog will be able to help someone else in a similar situation or if there is anyone out there reading this that could help me out with some advice i would be really grateful!
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