What A Difference A Year Makes

I was reading through my blog from the beginning the other day.  I have read it all once or twice but there are some parts I find a little difficult to read mainly because a lot of the emotions are still very raw for me but at the same time it reminds me of the journey we have been on and it makes me feel so thankful to be where I am now.  One of my first posts was titled Sad on Christmas Eve I remember writing that and how I felt at the time I also remember feeling much better for having written it and putting those feelings out there sort of like a release for me this blog in some ways has been a emotional crutch to get me through some of the hard times and im thankful for that, having said that I never really saw myself as a blogger im kinda lazy when it comes to things like this and don't tend to bother I think it shows the times I need to blog the most as oppose to the times when i've not needed to so much the blog posts are definately further apart!  But I did start this blog for other reasons not just an emotional vent I want to document my experiences of pregnancy and soon to be motherhood so I want to try and keep as up to date as I can. 

Im happy to say that a year on from writing that post im so much happier and only 2 weeks away from becoming a mother!  It has been a bitter sweet year that began at one of the most lowest points of my life but now we are about to begin 2012 with a bang and the birth of our little miracle I can hardly believe it! I don't forget what it took for us to get here though or that there are so many out there still praying for their miracle.  I hope that it can happen for them too it is truly the most amazing blessing.

We Have A Date!

I had an appointment with a physio yesterday and my OB this morning.  The Physio found that I have Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) and a slightly twisted right hip this explains all the pain I have been experiencing.  She said if i'd had an earlier appointment a few weeks ago they may have been able to do more to help but at this late stage all they could really do is help manage the pain with some gentle exercises and a support belt and to make sure I get plenty of rest.  She pointed out the best positions for me to give birth in would be on all fours or standing leaning over the bed these are both extremely difficult for me to do so this did pose a problem.  Luckily I had my appointment with my OB this morning so we could discuss a plan of action for the birth and with all things considered we decided that a planned C-Section would be the safest option.  I have to admit the thought of a C-Section terrifies me I guess it's the fear of the unknown more than anything and the recovery afterwards I want to feel as well as possible so that I can take care of my baby I know that I'm not going to feel great after surgery I just have to hope that I recover quickly.  Overall though I'm ok with it being a C-Section delivery I feel confident that it is the right decision and if more damage is done to my hips during the birth then that would result in months of recovery rather than a few weeks so i'd rather take that option.

So when is the big day? It will be on 12/1/12!! How exciting I can hardly believe that will be my baby's Birthday the day I become a Mother! It's such a wonderful , exciting and terrifying feeling but I guess I am as ready as I'm ever going to be!

Third Trimester

Sorry it has taken so long for me to update i've either been super busy, sick or just plain exhausted!  I have learnt that baking a baby is HARD lol! Don't get me wrong it is wonderful and amazing but exhausting at the same time.  Im well into my third tri now I will be 35 weeks on Thursday I still can't believe im even pregnant never mind 5 weeks away from having a baby!!  I have found the last few weeks very tiring im in a lot of pain with my hips which is making day to day activities difficult which is inconvieniant as I have so much to do! Thank God for husbands is all I can say lol! I have an appointment with an Obstetric Physio this afternoon to see what's going on with my hips. My midwife thinks i may have a trapped nerve and have hip displacement! I was like whaaaat?! Honestly im not sure if that is what it is im thinking my body is just struggling to cope with the extra weight and it's taking it's toll whatever it is im just hoping they can help with the pain so i can get around a little easier.  If not I guess i'll just have to put my feet up and relax oh well LOL!  Too be honest i can't complain I think I have done well to get this far I knew the last tri would be difficult on my mobility.

Baby girl is so strong now I love feeling her move and I finally know what everyone talks about when they say "oh wait until you feel her feet in your ribs"  ummmm yeah I get what thats like now pretty uncomfortable but I still love it!  Im pretty sure I have a lazy baby though I do feel movement but not that much. I was a little concerned but my midwife said as long as i feel 10 movements in a day that's fine and i do get that so im thinking she's just sleepy! Of course im sure she's just conserving her energy so that she can keep us mega busy when she arrives LOL!

We are still struggling with names we have a list of names we like and im sure she will be one of them but which one I have no idea!!! We have decided to wait till she is here and see what she looks like! I wish she would just come out with a name badge I find it so hard to commit to a name LOL.

Her nursery furniture arrived last week along with her pram and carseat etc. I LOVE it and im so in love with the nursery theme the colours are perfect.  It feels strange all of her things being here but in a good way.  I can't wait for her to be here and can't believe that day is nearly here!  It's a mixture of emotions im so happy and excited and yet terrified at the same time i've wanted this more than i've ever wanted anything in my whole life being a mom is everything to me and yet im starting to panic and think what if I don't live up to the mark what if this what if that?? I have to keep having a reality check and reminding myself that everyone feels like this but wow im going to be a mom in just a few weeks and it's the most exciting and scary thing ever to happen to me!

It's a........

GIRL!!!!! We had our 4d scan on Saturday and we finally got gender confirmation! We are so excited looks like the Dr was right on her assumption afterall and maybe I really do have a little bit of that mamas intuintion I keep hearing about! I have had this gut feeling that we were having a girl from day one but as most of my friends had recently had girls also I couldn't help but think that was why I thought I was having a girl and I also thought that I was so sure it was a girl that it would be a boy im never usually right on this kind of thing haha. I love that my gut feeling was right it makes me feel so connected to her if that makes sense?!  We couldn't be happier it feels so good to finally know what we are having and needless to say we went out and bought her a whole wardrobe of pretty girlie clothes the same day, that was FUN!!!  Of course now im a little nervous that they may have made a mistake and we will have a very PINK boy LOL!

The scan itself was AMAZING! It was one of the most wonderful days I have had in this pregnancy it hasn't been an easy road with lots of bumps and plenty of worries along the way but Saturday was just wonderful! I can't describe the feeling I had the moment we got to see our little girls face I love her so much already I can't wait to hold her in my arms!  The sonographer did a growth report and so far she is right on target and at 28 weeks and 2 days her estimated weight was 2lbs and 11ozs.  We got lots of pictures and a dvd of the whole thing I watched the dvd probably 10 times already LOL im sure it's very boring to everyone else but to us that's our tiny miracle and I can't get enough of it!

In other news the nausea is back with a vegence ugh :( as is the crazy preggo hunger (not sure if that ever went) not a great combo to be hungry and sick at the same time!  Im also pretty exhausted but this is all so worth it and I couldn't be happier than I am right now! :o)

  

25 Weeks

Wow how can I be here already? I only have 15 weeks left until my baby enters our lives! That's not a long time to wait at all especially as we still have things to get and a nursery to complete although all the hard work is done in there now and it's just a case of the finishing touches.  I can't wait till the furniture arrives and it can actually look like a nursery and not just a storage room!  There is so much going on from now right up until the birth I feel like we will be there in no time at all!

On Saturday Oct 29th we have our 4d scan booked im so excited about this! We will actually get to see our baby's little face I can't wait! Oh and of course if baby is willing to cooperate we will finally have gender confirmation!!! The wait has been killing me I have no idea how some people choose to wait to find out im dying to know and desperate to go on a pink or blue shopping spree!! Fingers crossed that Oct 29th is the day!

Overall i'd say im feeling pretty good I do have some good days and bad days my back does ache from time to time and im always tired but im use to aches and pains and being pregnant I totally expect them so i'd say im doing pretty well.  My last midwife appointment went well and everything is going as it should be that's such a wonderful thing to hear!  I have noticed my ankles swelling up over the past 5 weeks I always thought that would come later on but apparently not.  As long as I raise them they seem to go down again so not causing too many problems right now apart from being a little uncomfortable.

I had an appointment with an Anethetist last week to discuss birthing options, pain reilief and what would be possible or not.  It went well and has made me feel at ease with everything as I was starting to get nervous about it!  I have a choice of an elected C-Section or attempting a natural birth with the help of an Epidural! She said the in my case if I opt for the natural birth an epidural is a necessity as they would need to have me ready for a C-Section at anytime and as the Arthrogryposis affects my jaw and mouth they wouldn't be able to put me under a General Anesthetic in a emergengcy situation.  I never really considered that would be an issue as I've had a lot of surgery and been put under anesthetic many times and it's never been an issue but appaerntly when you are pregnant they do things a little differently and rather than just assist my breathing they take it over completely and this is where the problem is.  So I have a big decision to make and I have never been so split with it!  I've always wanted to have a natural birth and I can still try that and knowing that I will be on an epidural from the beginning makes me feel more relaxed about it.  But on the other hand there are a lot of complications with that option and if it were to end up in a C-Section i'd much rather that be a planned and controlled situation I just want what is safer for me and my baby.  So what do I do??  I am visiting the Delivery Suite next week so that I can try different positions etc and see what could work for me and what wont.  I think in doing this it will help me come to a decision in what we are going to do.

A Sad Week

This last week has been a sad week for me and so many others.  It began by being sad for me as September 19th was the due date for my Angel.  I wasn't sure how I would feel we are in a happy place now and that does help but it doesn't mean that we foget the little ones we lost before.  I was pretty emotional that day and cried about losing my little one for the first time in ages.  I think of them often but the tears don't come so often now it helps that we have this little one on the way it gives us a reason to move forward.  I don't want to forget I never will we have loved our baby since before we were expecting them and we love all our little ones regardless of wether they are here with us or waiting for us in heaven.  This due date was easier than the last I had just miscarried for the second time and I can't even describe the pain I felt that day I never want to feel that way again.

This last week has been sad for another reason too one of the girls in our DDC (due date club) just lost her sweet baby.  She was due only 2 days before me I can't imagine how she must be feeling now and my heart goes out to her and her family.  This and remembering my lost Angels really brings it home just how incredibly lucky and blessed we are to be expecting this little miracle and to never stop giving thanks for what we have been blessed with.  Just when you begin to feel "safe" and believe me that was a big step to feel "safe" in a pregnancy I suddenly realise there is no such thing! Anything can happen at any time and we must never take that for granted. Sweet Baby J we love you so very much and I enjoy every moment I feel you and all the good and not so good things about being pregnant I enjoy every moment because I know just how blessed we are to have you.  So im calling out to anyone whose reading this to go hug your children tell them how much you love them and enjoy every moment of pregnancy the good and the not so great parts (we all know what they are)! Because it's worth it all to be blessed with a miracle.

Halfway there!

It's about time I updated! Im happy to say that so far my second trimester has been pretty uneventful (in a good way) and im happy to keep things like that lol!  Overall im feeling much better only feeling sick if im hungry and sometimes at night but I can totally deal with that.  I still get pretty tired but then i've always felt tired even before pregnancy im just like that I guess so nothing new there haha.  I feel movements from my not so little baby bean daily and I love it although it's still so hard to connect that those movements are coming from a baby im not sure i'll ever believe it until Baby J arrives!!

I had my 20 week scan on Wednesday I was exactly 20 weeks and 6 days it felt like an eternity waiting for that day to come! I was so nervous and yet so excited at the same time! I had a detailed scan that was done by 2 Drs they were looking for signs of Arthrogryposis and any other problems that may be visable on a scan I was pretty nervous about the results but im happy to say that Baby J is growing well and is healthy! The Dr even used words like beautiful and perfect needless to say this was music to my ears!!  I LOVE my OB by the way she is awesome! Im usually pretty nervous around Drs but she makes me feel so at ease im so glad that she is my Dr through this journey!  After they had calmed my nerves and explained that everything is looking good I began to relax and really enjoy the scan I had a whole 30 minutes of watching my baby do everything from sleep to somersault it was amazing! Baby even gave us a little wave soooo cute!

Now for the BIG question are we on team BLUE or PINK??? Well we honestly don't know for sure! I was so excited to find out I just knew baby would be shy on the day!! Both Drs tried really hard to get a good view and based on what they saw they both agreed on a little GIRL! But didn't want to give a definite answer as the view wasn't clear little one just wasn't in the mood to flash lol!  Either way it doesn't matter to us boy or girl we love them so much already!! I have a 4d scan booked for Oct 29th so we are hoping for gender confirmation then the waiting is soooo hard!  I may end up being team green without meaning to be haha.  At least we will know for sure in January!! 

I do have a new scan picture to upload but I haven't scanned it in yet I will do that soon and I have a very obvious bump now YAY! So I will post pics next time! :)

The Best Sound In The World

That would be my baby's heartbeat!  I went to my Midwife appointment on Thursday it was pretty quick and simple just a case of checking blood pressure, urine, weight (ive only gained 1lb!) as im already a tad overweight im quite happy to not have gained too much just yet and I read that weight gain by 17 weeks can range from 5lbs - 10lbs so im more than happy with that!  My urine and blood pressure were also fine so thats great.  The best part of my appointment was getting to hear baby's heartbeat! I was excited but nervous about it you know me always the worry wort and the midwife explained that at this stage it's not always easy to find but she should get it.  She only needed to poke around for a few seconds and there it was! I could have listened to that all day.  The doppler was also picking up other taps and she said that was baby kicking it was doing somersaults in there :)

Im now 17 weeks and 3 days I can't believe im almost halfway! Im doing just fine and overall feeling much better! Im pretty sure the sensations i've been getting are baby moving and this week ive been feeling it so much! I just love that feeling and it's nice to have some reassurance that baby is ok!  We have started to buy bits and pieces and I think we have decided on the pram we want we just want to get past my 20 week scan before we start purchasing the big stuff Im loving shopping for baby it's way more fun than shopping for myself!! I just can't wait to know if we are team blue or pink now so I can start buying little outfits! The wait is killing me!!!

16 Weeks

Time for a quick update! I have been a bad blogger lately I need to try and get up to date.  So im 16 weeks now well I'll be 17 weeks tomorrow!  I have been feeling much better the last couple of weeks im not sick every morning now although I am still sick now and then and I don't feel sick 24/7 just waves of sickness so I think im definately coming through that phase now phew!  This is the first week that people have started to notice my little bump this makes me so happy :) I love that im actually starting to look pregnant now I have wanted this for so long and I just love people rubbing my tummy! I know I sound crazy but im so proud of my little bump.  I posted a pic on FB which was fun I will have to post it on here too.  I have my 16 week check up with the midwife tomorrow it should have been last week but I couldn't get an appointment so im a week late.  Im excited about it I love my appointments to do with baby.

Im not sure but I think that I may have felt baby move a few times but it's so hard to tell! It feels like gentle tapping from the inside a bit like little bubbles popping although I think the first description is more accurate to what I feel.  Maybe it's just gas LOL it's so hard to tell but I really hope it's baby!

Meet Baby J!

Sorry it has taken me so long to update im pretty lazy at scanning and uploading photos but finally here is my latest scan photo of our precious little bean! We have taken to calling him/her Baby J until we know the gender and have a name!

We are so in love <3 it's amazing how much baby has grown in a few weeks!  The scan was amazing of course I was nervous but I got called in straight away so it helped not to have an agonising wait! I was still kind of worried that they wouldn't find baby straight away with my retroverted uterus which only would have added to my anxiety but looks like everything has popped right into place now and baby appeared on the screen straight away!  The sonographer showed us it's hands and feet the heartbeat and even it's little bum! I just can't believe this little baby is in my belly!

After the scan I saw the midwife and then the Consultant. So far im really pleased with how the hospital are looking after me they haven't left anything to chance and covering all the bases so im pretty happy with that.  They arranged for me to see a Geneticist to discuss the chances of baby having AMC and I had bloods taken for testing im still awaiting the results of those they said it could take up to 6 weeks.  Not that it will make any difference to us at all!  Im going to have a detailed anatomy scan on September 9th to screen for AMC then and extra scans to monitor baby's movements.  Im also going to see an Anethetist in September to discuss my options of Epidural and if it will be possible for them to administer it I don't think it will be an issue but they want to make sure.  It looks like I may also get to have a natural birth at least that is the aim for now im pretty excited about this I know that seems crazy but for years I was told I wouldn't and now there is a chance but im ok with having a c-section if that's what it takes for baby to have a safe arrival.

OMG this is really happening im having a baby!!! Is it January yet? LOL!

12 Weeks!

I can't believe I have made it to 12 weeks it seemed like a goal I was never going to reach especially with all the little bumps in the road we have had to get here! I really do want to savour this moment im 12 weeks and STILL pregnant I feel so blessed. Im still being sick every morning and feel sick most days although from 11 weeks I have noticed that not every day is so bad so im hoping that im coming through that stage.  Im so ready for the nice parts of pregnancy the bump, feeling baby move and finding out the gender. These are stages that seemed so far away like i'd never ever get there but now I feel so close! I have my NT scan on Tuesday im so nervous for it I've seen baby with a strong heartbeat twice now but I can't help but worry about bad news on the day im praying so hard my little baby is still growing strong and I can breathe a sigh of relief and maybe start to enjoy this pregnancy all the worry sometimes overshadows how incredibly happy I am I guess it's just a self preservation thing to hold back a little.

We went away for a few days this week we went to Center Parcs with my family.  We had a wonderful time and it was a much needed break although as ever nothing can go without a little drama typical! On Tuesday night I had a fall and fell flat on my face! It would have been hilarious if I weren't pregnant and as I landed on my stomach even though my knees and arms broke the fall I couldn't help but worry.  I wasn't in any pain and hadn't had any bleeding, none that was connected to the fall only the usual spotting I get now and again. So I decided not to rush off to a Nottingham hospital and spend the night there instead I thought I would contact my midwife in the morning and ask for advice on what I should do.  She was really helpful she contacted the hospital and spoke to the Dr for me and they said that as my stomach didn't take the impact baby is well protected and should be ok but as im Rhesus negative and 12 weeks pregnant I should go to the hospital for an Anti D injection just to be safe it needed to be within 72 hours of the fall so we had to leave Center Parcs a day early.  Im just glad to know I did everything I could and that baby should be ok.  I just need to get to Tuesday to see baby again to get the reassurance I need.

10 Weeks

Im 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  This is a little milestone for me! I was a day shy of 10 weeks when I miscarried last time so needless to say it has been on my mind a lot this week but im happy to say I have made it beyond that point and it feels good.  As for how im feeling well i'd say very pregnant! I am sick every morning and feel sick all day and all night not fun but I'll take it if it means my baby is growing strong! Im off foods I normally love like beef burgers I have no idea why but the very thought of them makes me want to throw up! Mind you it wont do me any harm to lay off those anyway! I also usually love a cup of tea with sugar in now it just makes me sick I have to take it without the sugar or not at all which again is not a bad thing.  I have noticed that im addicted to orange juice I love it and can't get enough of it ooh and anything cold like tip tops so with my love of orange juice and tip tops im pretty sure this baby is going to arrive looking like a crayola crayon haha. One symptom I haven't noticed is the heightened sense of smell im pretty sure that's still the same. 

There's no real sign of a bump yet but it is still pretty early my mom said she didn't really start showing with me or my brother until 16 weeks so im thinking i'll be the same although it seems crazy to think I could have a little bump in just 6 weeks im so excited about it!

As for the spotting it still comes and goes it does unnerve me a little i'd be much happier if it wasn't there but the Dr did say that it is likely that it may come and go until my hormones settle at around 14 weeks so as long as it doesn't get any worse I just need to accept it as normal for me.  I am doing much better with it now though before I would see it and just freak out but now I expect to see it and if I don't then that's a bonus! I haven't had it for a few days now so that's great I had a busy day yesterday so I told myself to expect it by the evening all the activity was bound to start it off but all I had was 2 spots that's it so im more than happy with that!  It's 2 weeks on Tuesday till my NT scan im so nervous but when we get the all clear from that we can finally tell the world we are having a baby and im so excited for that!

Born To Be Different

On C4 on Thursday nights is a programme called Born To Be Different.  It's about a group of children all born with different disabilities and has been following them from birth to show how life is for them and all the trials they have overcome the children are now 10.  One of the children a little girl called Zoe has Arthrogryposis you never really see much on TV or anywhere about Arthrogryposis so I was interested to watch.  I have to say all of the children are so inspiring and so strong and seemed to take whatever was thrown at them completely in their stride.  I guess they didn't really have much choice than to be like that but they handled their difficulties so well.  My mom says that Zoe reminded her so much of how I was as a child im not sure if I was like that but I do remember just getting on with things but when you know no different what else can you do?  It was also an eye opener into how it was for my parents.  In a lot of ways I think it was much harder for them than it ever has been for me.  Seeing how scared they must have been, the sacrifices they must have made and the tears that they shed all of which I was blissfully unaware of.  When I was born the Drs said that I would never walk, well I soon proved them wrong! I didn't walk until I was 3 and after a lot of surgery and years of on going physio of which I still do today I did it! But it wasn't just me I owe so much to my parents if they hadn't have been so commited would I have still walked? Maybe, maybe not.  My mom said it would break her heart having to do physiotherapy that would make me scream it just isn't natural to hurt your baby even though you know you have to do it.  I never remember the bad bits though so in my mind it's ok and so worth it! But the strength she must have had to continue to do it knowing it was best for me.  I have so much to thank her for.

This got me thinking how would I be if my child is born with Arthrogryposis or any other disability?  The thought is pretty scary I don't want my child to go through any of the struggles I have had I want them to have the opportunities that I missed out on.  But if it happens it happens in a lot of ways I can relate to them in a way my parents couldn't relate to them and I know from my own personal experience that most situations are overcome just by a little thought and some hard work all of which is worth it! Hopefully I wont have to worry about these things but I know that if I can be just half the Mother my mom is to me with a child with or without a disability then I will be happy.  I am so thankful for my amazing family!!

A Little Scare

Ok so that title is a understatment what I meant to say was a BIG scare! On sunday afternoon I started spotting just brown spotting but that is exactly how my miscarriage began last time so needless to say I began freaking out!  Of course I know that a little spotting can be common in early pregnancy and it doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen but everyone said that to me last time and that was not ok it was far from ok so in my mind this was the end.  I decided not to dash off to the hospital on sunday I knew they wouldn't scan me there and then they never do especially not for spotting so I decided to call the early pregnancy unit Monday and try and get an appointment asap.  Thankfully they got me in for Tuesday. By this time my brown spotting had turned to bright red blood it was like having a light period so I was distraught and sure that it was over!  Richard as ever was trying to to be positive but I tried to warn him to not get his hopes up I know what that crash down to earth feels like when it's bad news so I wanted to be ready.  I was so scared when we went to the scan and this time was different to the last they had the screen turned away from me so I couldn't see and the sonographer said she would tell me what she could see after she had a good look. I figured  that they must be expecting bad news too.  Due to my retroverted uterus they still couldn't find baby via a transabdominal scan so they had to do another internal scan I expected that so it was fine.  After what seemed like forever the sonographer turned the screen towards me and said "there's your baby it has a strong heartbeat and everything looks fine!"  I couldn't believe it I even asked if she was sure!! She pointed everything out to us it was amazing.  I can't believe how much baby has grown in just 2 weeks.  I cried from pure relief and shock! The sonographer laughed and said "oh im sure your going to have this one for the next 21 years!" I replied Oh I hope so!  In my emotional state I forgot to ask for a picture! But the image is clear in my mind sadly I can't show you guys :( baby is measuring right on target and I will be 9 weeks tomorrow!!

After the scan we went to see the Dr.  She explained that the bleed is a hormonal thing that should settle down by 14 weeks and to try not to worry if I get it now and again. However if it becomes heavy with clots and pain to go straight to the hospital.  Will I worry if it happens again? Errmm YES!! But that's only natural I just have to try and accept it.  Fingers crossed the spotting appears to have stopped now and I really hope that is the last of it I can't cope with the stress!! But im one week closer to that 12 week milestone and I hope I can make it!!

8 Weeks and hellloooo hormones!

Im 8 weeks 3 days today and lets just say the hormones are really kicking in! I have felt pretty sick on and off for about 2 weeks now but last night and today were the worst! I actually threw up for the first time this pregnancy this morning (sorry TMI) and the way im feeling there's a whole lot more to come! I have to admit it's not nice it's never nice to feel lousy even if the reason for it is so good! BUT im not complaining at all these are the symptoms I begged for in my last pregnancy just to have peace of mind and well we all know how that turned out so every ounce of crap im feeling im also so very thankful for. Hopefully this means my baby is growing strong and i'll take whatever pregnancy has to throw at me for that!  I've also had a few days this week were I just have to cry! Now im not a crier not really obviously I have my moments and this past year has seen more than a few of those but seriously im crying and I have no idea why this is just so funny to me that im even laughing whislt im crying because it's so crazy! So I guess those preggo hormones are really kicking in now and im loving it!!

There really is a baby in there!

Here is my little baby bean!

I never get bored at looking at this picture.  I can't believe that this tiny baby is in my belly <3

So as you can see my first scan went great! I was so nervous when we got there I felt sick and was shaking i'd gotten so worked up for it I convinced myself it as going to be bad news.  Unlike last time I had arrived at the hospital early but got called straight in for the scan so I didn't have the agonising wait.  I was like a lamb to the slaughter walking into that room, not how you imagine your first scan to be but when you have walked the road ive walked you can't help but feel like that.  The sonographer began by doing a transabdominal scan this time I could actually see the screen and as I could see it I couldn't help but frantically search the screen for baby but all there was were blurry black and white images I knew from that she wasn't going to see anything it was just taking too long.  She then stopped and said she couldn't see anything as my bladder wasn't full enough and it is early into my pregnancy so she would need to do an internal scan instead.  When she said that part of me panicked and knew that this was going to be the start of my bad news the other part of me was pleased that she was going to do the internal scan so at least if the outcome were the same as last time I would know they had a good look and were sure!  She reassured me that we would get a clear picture of what was going on this way so that helped.  As soon as she began the scan we could see baby! She pointed everything out we could see the little arm and leg buds and best of all that beautiful heartbeat! Sadly the picture isn't very clear but we could see everthing on the scan! I felt a rush of relief wash over me and then burst into tears happy tears im glad to say!!  It was just amazing I could have watched it all day.  Before I knew it the scan was over and I finally got to be one of those happy girls with my scan photo just like the ones i'd envied before.

After the scan we had to wait again to then see the nurse who will then explain the scan in more detail and what we need to do next.  It was the same Nurse that delt with me and the miscarriage before I was pleased I really liked her.  I didn't think she would remember me but she did! Straight away she said I've seen you before haven't I and I said yes I miscarried back in February but im back with another pregnancy! She was so happy and excited for us she said that everything looked great and that baby was measuring at 6 weeks 6 days.  That is only 2 days off my own dates that I had roughly worked out I knew that my midwife was off by afew more days.  She said not to worry about it being off by a couple of days as no one can pin point the exact moment of ovulation or the exact moment of conception and the baby is so small at this point it's hard to get an exact measurement the 12 week scan will be more accurate.  Im totally happy with that! She was so nice she said to keep in touch and when the baby is born she will come over to maternity to see baby.  I doubt that she will actually do that but it was so nice of her to say. 

Today I got my appointment for my NT Scan at 12 weeks it's on July 12th.  I didn't expect it come through so quick but im glad it did! I will almost be 13 weeks then so we should see a lot more.  Obviously im nervous about it as happy as I am to know that so far everything is good the worry wort in me can't help but creep back in! Hopefully all will be fine and maybe then I can start to enjoy this pregnancy!
  

My Midwife

It was my first appointment with my Midwife today.  I was pretty excited about it and nervous i've never had a Midwife appointment before they usually wait until 8 weeks to get in touch so I only spoke to her on the phone in my last pregnancy but with me being high risk now they rushed me through.  I really like her I felt at ease with her which is great and instead of me having to beg for an early scan she insisted on it to put my mind at rest!  So my scan appointment is set for June 1st at 10.50am.  I feel sick with nerves when I think about it. My only experience with scans have been bad and im terrified im going to get the same result! I have to keep reminding myself that the Dr said 3 miscarriages in a row are rare so this one WILL be fine. The Midwife dated me at 6 weeks and 6 days which gives me a due date of January 15th which is MY BIRTHDAY!! I would love a birthday baby and can't help but think that this is a good sign!

As for symptoms I have definately felt more nasueous than I did in my last pregnancies I haven't been sick or anything and it comes in waves but im taking it as a good sign.  As for anything else I feel pretty much the same as before sore bbs and a little bloat that comes and goes.  I want for this to be my sticky bean so bad!!

First Appointment

Thursday I decided to make an appointment to see the Nurse Practicioner at my Drs Surgery to confirm my pregnancy.  I wanted to make sure I was a few days late for AF after the chemical pregnancy last year it's the first thing I worry about when getting a BFP! So far so good I was 4 days late on Thursday and am now 6 days late so that's all good! I didn't want to wait to long either because I want this pregnancy to be logged so that if the worst does happen they cannot refuse to help me like they did last time! Im trying to be as positive as possible about this pregnancy this IS going to be our third time lucky, but I have to be realistic I know how easily things can go wrong and my only silver lining in that would be that we would at least get the referral we need. 

I decided to see the Nurse as my Dr appears to be pretty useless! Im so glad I did she seemed pretty excited that I'd conceived so quick after my miscarriage and was so proactive I didn't have to ask for anything she just did it straight away! She got the Midwife to call me straight away so she could see me earlier than usual and will book me in for an early scan.  We agreed that as im only 4 weeks along (almost 5 now) it would be best to wait until I am 6 weeks as they wouldn't see anything on a scan at this stage anyway. She will come to my home to see me and take all my history and then book the scan.  I haven't got a date yet but I get the impression it will be around 7 weeks or so. She said if the scan didn't reveal too much they can do blood tests to see how my HCG levels are progressing.  Im pretty happy with everything so far it's very early days but im glad that they are doing as much as the can for me.  I have her number so can call her anytime. That's a lot more than I had last time, last time I was worried and felt so alone almost as if I was only just afew weeks pregnant what did it matter if I miscarried! At least I feel like they are doing all they can to help me now.

So far in this pregnancy I feel fine.  I have sore bbs but I can totally live with that, I have had waves of nausea nothing bad just if im hungry I feel it then and bloating that comes and goes. That's pretty much it at the moment but it's early days.  I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday not what I wanted to see but im not too worried about it at the moment. It only happend once when I wiped and it was brown but it was such a small amount so I think it's ok.  I haven't had any at all since.  I read somewhere that Implantation bleeding can happen around 7-10 days after implantation so thinking about when I got my BFP im in the right time frame for that so im hoping that's all it was.  If I get anymore over the weekend I'll call my Midwife on Monday but for now im not worried at all.

Third Time Lucky?

I HOPE SO!!!!!

Looks like those evaps weren't evaps afterall!  I was even thinking I may have had bad batch of tests especially after I had a BFN on a FRER on Thursday. So I waited afew days and got another FRER and a Digi just to be sure I totally didn't expect to see that!! Im so so so happy! Please pray that this is our sticky bean!

Feeling Good

The last couple of weeks i've been feeling better than I have in a long time!  I've been keeping pretty busy so that helps but im feel emotionally much stronger too.  This week I would have been 20 weeks pregnant, 20 WEEKS!! Obviously I would rather be posting about my progress with that and about my gender scan but I can't do that.  Im ok though im moving forward and I haven't cried for a few weeks.  All the milestones are hard but it's nice to be smiling and not crying im sure I will have my moments but for now im happy to be feeling good for a change!

In my cycle I think im 10 or 11dpo.  As im not charting it's hard to know exactly where I am but based on when my ewcm dried up and my post O symptoms that's where I think im at.  I thought I would really miss charting as I had gotten so used to it but I quite like not doing it now. I do miss not being 100% sure of where I am in my cycle though.  Im thinking next cycle I may use OPKs and maybe give my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor a try.

Yesterday I caved and tested, I know way too early but the POAS addict came out in me and I just had to do it! I wish I hadn't because I got a PINK evap line that for a second got me excited that I was actually pregnant! In my excitement I used my last FRER and another IC both were BFN and this mornings test is BFN too with what looks like a grey evap line! I hate EVAPS!! So it looks like it was just a faulty test and no BFP for me just yet.  I guess we will see what the weekend brings.

Faith

There have been a few times in my life where I have found my faith being tested I have always overcome those times feeling stronger and reassured by my faith, but it hasn't been an easy road to get there.  This past year has been another test of faith for me not only for the heartache I have been through but for what I have witnessed so many others go through aswell.  The past couple of months have been particularly hard and I have struggled at times to accept Gods plan.  When I say that I don't mean that I think he wanted me to lose my baby I think he is just as sad about miscarriages as we are but I know that in experiencing the losses it is making me stronger even though I feel far from it at times.

Today I feel stronger and at peace, a feeling I haven't felt for a while. We have just got home from our Easter Service at church it was so beautiful and inspiring. The preists sermon was about knowing what we have to come and the mystery of faith how even though we do not always see we still believe.  He talked about knowing how we will see our loved ones again that they are with God and will be waiting with him for us.  This is something I have always believed but he had a way of putting it that really hit home I wish I could put it that way but im not very good with words.  Just hearing it gave me a sense of peace and I knew that God was with me carrying me through the hard times and just for knowing that makes me feel so much stronger!

I now know for sure that we can do this, we will get through this and it will all happen in HIS time and im at peace with that.

2 Months

Today it is 2 months since we said goodbye and im getting there. Im not really sure if I will ever "get there" or where exactly "there" is! I guess the idea of having a normal day where I don't think about the what ifs would be nice but im not sure that will ever happen, I guess only time will tell.

I knew that the next couple of months would be difficult.  All my pregnant friends are having their babies now and it's hard!  I don't want them to think that im not happy for them because that couldn't be further from the truth I love them and will love their babies and to see the people I love have their babies is wonderful... But i'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. I was TTC before any of them began TTC I was pregnant the first time before any of them were pregnant and now I feel so left behind and I want to be going through this with them not watching from the sidelines.  They are all so excited and happy and they have every right to be I would be bursting with happiness if it were me! I just wish I could share in their excitement in a way I would if I hadn't walked this road I wish I didn't have to take a deep breath and reach deep down inside of me to give them the response they want when they talk to me about all things baby.  I HATE that the joy is hard to find because it is there it's just buried under my own heart ache.  It makes it more difficult because these are the people I would reach out to when I need to talk or cry and they have been so supportive but I can't reach out to them now. I know that they would listen and be there but how can I bring them down at this special and exciting time for them I just can't do that.  Richard is there and he always listens and supports me and I need him so much now I just wish I could have my friends too.

So I need to "get there" soon because I don't want to feel like this any more! Im going to focus on the positives and enjoy being a auntie to all these beautiful babes and hope that one day it will be me!

CD1

So it's CD1 again! Im ok with it I didn't expect to get pregnant on the first try after my miscarriage especially with all the abnormal bleeding right before O.  Im thinking my womb probably wasn't a very welcoming place for a baby at that time!  Also it would be nice to have a completely normal cycle without random bleeding so I can know my body has healed and will be strong enough to carry a healthy pregnancy to term. 

As I didn't really give the whole "relaxing" plan a chance last cycle due to what happened I am determind to give it a try this time.  So no temping/charting or OPKs wish me luck!!

Mothers Day

Today is Mothers day we will be spending the day with our mothers reminding them how special they are to us.  I wanted to wish all those moms and moms to be out there a wonderful Mothers day.  Today feels a little sad for me. I should be a mom today this should have been my first official Mothers day.  I know I am a Mom to my Angels but it's not the same it wont be recognised by those around me only to Richard and I in our hearts. I hope they know how much we love them and think about them each day.  I want them to know that on this Mothers day and each one after they are very much in our hearts and we will always love them very much. I found this poem online it is beautiful and I wanted to share it.

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

Update!

A small but exciting one I think I ovulated! I haven't been charting but since I had the bleeding last week right before O time I was sure it would mess up my cycle so I wanted to track it to see if it did have any affect.  I had a positive OPK on Sunday a temp dip on Monday and then 3 high temps after so it looks like I O'd on Monday :hula:.  Not that I expect to get pregnant this cycle if there's one thing im used to with TTC it's waiting but it's so good to know my body is doing something right and it is nice to feel like a have a chance even if it is a small one.  This makes me happy! :)

Will This Ever Be Over?

So just as I start moving forward I feel like I take 2 steps back.  Yesterday morning was a bit of a nightmare that I certainly didn't expect.  I was absolutely fine just doing housework when suddenly there was blood everywhere! (sorry TMI)  It literally was gushing out of me.  I called my Dr straight away who told me to go straight to the hospital.  Richard was at work so my brother took me straight there and Richard met us at the hospital.  They checked me over I had a high temperature and my blood pressure was really low so they were concerned that there was some left over tissue that may have been infected.  I had passed some tissue with the bleeding and as soon as I had the cramps and back pain stopped so they that may have been what was happening just my body finally expelling it they also mentioned some kind of hormonal imbalance which may have been connected to the abnormal bleeding.  My temp also came down shortly after so after that they were less concerned.  They took more bloods and swabs and said when the results came back they would let me know if I needed any treatment but could go home. 

The Dr at the hospital asked if I had been referred on to someone due my 2 miscarriages and the Arthrogryposis that I have. There may be a connection and it really should be looked into.  I said I had tried to get the referral but my GP was unwilling to help unless I had 3 miscarriages as that was their policy. She rolled her eyes and said yes that's right but im not a "normal" case and so they should ignore that rule in my case! So im going to see a different Dr at my surgery and tell them exactly what they said at the hospital and hope that this Dr will be willing to help!

It was all pretty scary but now the bleeding appears to have slowed down and is more like spotting now so im relieved about that!  I just hope it's all over now.

Just Relax

Now I know my TTC friends will all know just how frustrating it is to hear people say "just relax". It always seems to be the advice of those who have 'oops' babies or were only ttc for a very short time. They have never known what it feels like to feel that heart sinking disappointment month after month or when you finally get there to have it so cruelly taken away from you by miscarriage.  They don't know what it's like to feel like a mother without a child.  Not that i would ever wish any of this on anyone but it can be so frustrating when the only advice they have to offer is "just relax" I'd rather they didn't offer any!  But now and again there will be a story of couples that have struggled with infertility for years have had several failed IVF attempts and finally decide to accept that maybe they will never have a child of there own or have a ttc break and then BAM they're pregnant!!  Could that be that they "just relaxed?"  Im not sure maybe it was just their time but it makes me wonder maybe just maybe...

To be honest i've never understood why people assume that im stressed out about TTC when they learn that we are trying it's the first thing they say "oh just relax it will happen" why do they think im not already relaxed? So i've used OPKs and Charting to try and maximise our chances but that doesn't make it stressful if anything it makes it easier.  I don't Ovulate on the same day each month every month is different so it makes sense to know when it's coming in some ways the not knowing would be more stressful for me.  I have never found TTC stressful, yes i've felt disappointment when AF shows up and yes my miscarriages were truly devastating and I carry that pain with me every day.  Wouldn't everyone feel that way?  It doesn't mean that we stop having fun we have a wonderful life and we work through our struggles just like everyone else.

So i've been thinking as I have given everything else a try as far as I can on my own and as my Dr seems to be pretty unhelpful right now im going to JUST RELAX! When I say that I mean im not going to Chart or use OPKs at least for a couple of cycles. The most I will do mainly because I can't not is listen to my body after almost 16 months of TTC I know the signs so maybe i'll make use of that but that's it! If im not pregnant after 2 or 3 cycles then I might give my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor a try I bought it on my BFP cycle (before I knew I was pregnant!) so I haven't had a chance to use it yet. Although I still insist that just because I have or will be using aids to help me get pregnant does not mean im stressing about it! I just want my baby! Lets just see how this goes you never know!!

One Month

Tomorrow it will one month since we said goodbye to our little Angel.  Time goes so quickly especially when you are constantly wishing you can hit the rewind button and change what happend but you can't.  I am happy to say though that I am healing both physically and emotionally.  Physically AF has been and gone :hula: and WAY earlier than expected. I think this has helped a lot the waiting and wondering when I can get back to normal again doesn't help with trying to move forward, I now have hope again.  My HPTs are FINALLY negative!! I confirmed it this morning by using a FRER it seems such a waste of a FRER when you're hoping it to be negative rather than postive but at least if im lucky enough to see those 2 lines again I will know it's the real deal and not a bit of HCG left over from this pregnancy.  It's hard to see that familiar sight of BFNs but I know I have to so I can move forward.

Emotionally im getting there. There will always a part of me that hurts when I think about my little Angels wondering what might have been and I do have good and bad days but thats ok.  I have spent time with a great friend of mine who is 6 months pregnant and it doesn't hurt to see her bump.  I feel excited to meet her little one the only thing that makes me sad is not having a bump of my own. To start feeling excited again is a good feeling! I also spent some time looking after my friends baby she is 6 months old and so cute! I thought this would be hard and at first it was but soon my heart melted when I saw her little smile and I found taking care of her so uplifting if a laughing baby can't lift your spirits nothing can!  I feel stronger and more like me. I accept the bad days I know they are going to come but there are some days I just need to cry.  Other days I just need to laugh and I am so thankful for my husband, family and friends who are there for both!

An Unexpected Arrival

Aunt Flo is here!! I wasn't expecting her for at least another 3 weeks as the Dr said I should expect her approximately 6 weeks after my miscarriage but 3 weeks to the day here she is! It does seem though that there is no real 'norm' after a miscarriage it all depends on the individual so I guess im grateful that it's all happened sooner than expected and that my body is healing as it should.  I will feel better when my HPTs are negative they are almost there they look like my very first BFP sooo faint but there. I remember how excited I was to see that faint line now it makes me sad to want it to disappear but I know it has to for me to stand a chance of getting pregnant again. It's all a bitter sweet feeling but overall im seeing it as positive and at least we can begin TTC again I don't want to wait any longer than I have to. We can't replace the little babies we have lost but it eases the pain to try again and have that hope i've missed the hope. It's so good to feel hopeful again!

Due Date

Today would have been my due date for the first baby I lost. I can't believe that the due date has come around so quickly!  I have to admit it hurts I thought I would be stronger I also thought I would be pregnant again by this date which would have eased the sting, not that being pregnant would have made me forget you just don't forget these precious dates but knowing that another baby would be coming into my life would have helped.  I think im feeling it more because I've just lost another and that is still VERY raw.  I was talking to a friend about it the other day and happened to mention that today was the due date for my first baby and she was shocked that i remembered it! How could I ever forget?!  She said that it would drive me crazy to think like that and I shouldn't hang on to these dates.  This shocked me that she could say that these are my babies and I might not have them in my arms but they will always be in heart I can't just forget them!  Everyone likes to believe something different and thats cool but for me I truly believe that my babies are in heaven waiting for me.  I have to believe that because I can't believe they are gone forever I just can't! It's that what keeps me going, that and the hope of a successful pregnancy and actually holding a baby in my arms one day I just know we will get there!
I miss my babies <3 25/6/10 <3 20/02/11 <3

I Can't Believe It's Over

TMI Warning: There are details about my miscarriage I have left a lot out but i understand this is a sensitive subject and if you would prefer not to read about it then stop here.

I know i said in my last post that it was over but now it really is over! It all came to an end on Sunday night in a truamatic way that will stay in my mind forever.  The saying 'calm before the storm' is so true. Sunday was a better day much better than the 9 days i had before! I had no cramps all day and the bleeding although still there appeared to be less, i thought maybe i had passed everything and this nightmare was finally coming to an end, after all according to the scan i only had a tiny sac to pass so it must be over.  How wrong was i! Little did i know itwas just getting started.

We had a spent the day with Richards family and then went round to my parents house on the evening. My Mom asked how I was feeling i said great no cramps all day! Litrally 20 minutes after saying that the cramps started but much stronger and sharper than i had before. I took some co-codamol and hoped they would ease the pain a bit. Usually after an hour or so the tablets kick in and at least take the edge of but they didn't and my Momand Rich were getting really worried and wanted me to go to the hospital. Even though i felt terrible the thought of the hospital scared me i didn't know what they would do so i wanted to wait it out some more just to see if it would pass.  I was only 4 weeks along in my last miscarriage and even though that was as heartbraking as this physically it was much easier to deal with so this time i knew it would be worse as i was at that point 10 weeks along.  It got to 10.30pm and i knew i couldn't wait it out anymore and had to go to hospital so off we went.

We got to A&E and thankfully they rushed me straight through. They did some tests and sent me straight over to Gyne.  It was then that i lost my baby.  I wont go in to all the details as i can honestly say it was the most traumatic experience of my life! I am so grateful for the Drs and Nurses i know it's their job but they really looked after me i was in such a state.  When it was all over the Dr asked if i wanted to see my baby.  This took me by surprise as i thought there was no baby! I didn't know what to say but i said yes. He showed me it was small but had the form of a baby it broke my heart to see it but it was my baby so im glad i did.  They said it measured at about 7 weeks which i guess made sense as the spotting started at 7.5 weeks.  It made me question the Ultrasound scan i had as there was nothing there and this baby was big enough to be seen! The Dr said that i have a retroverted uterus and in some cases it can make it difficult to see a baby on a scan before 12 weeks.  I wish they had done an internal scan now and spared me the 10 days of hell not knowing what was going on! Why didn't they?! 

After i had lost the baby they said they needed me to stay the night as i hadn't passed the placenta so they were giving me an injection to make my womb contract and hopefully pass it. If i didn't they would have to take me to theatre in the morning for a D&C. I also had a little infection so i needed some anti-biotics.  Thankfully a few hours later i passed the placenta it wasn't as scary as i imagined it would be.

As much as i didn't want this to happen i am glad to say that at least some good came out of the bad.  They found that i am Rhesus Negative and although they wont know for sure that may have been a possible cause for the loss.  This also makes me angry the amount of times i have been in hospital for surgery and no one bothered to inform me of this! I even asked my GP once and it wasn't in my notes! Why not?!  I can't change that i didn't know before but i am so glad i know now! They gave me an Anti D injection straight away so at least if this was the cause it wont happen again.  Also they said that because i had 2 miscarriages just a few months apart i could be referred to the recurrent miscarriages clinic for tests just to make sure there is no other reason for the losses. I have to see my GP on Monday about getting the referral.  Im grateful for this and hopeful that next time we will have our sticky bean!

This loss has been so hard, im so grateful that some good has come from it but it doesn't make the loss easier to deal with. We wanted this baby more than anything and although i thought i had accepted it before i actually miscarried i know now i hadn't i desperately want to turn the clock back and make it right but i can't. I don't want to try again for months and months just waiting for it to happen! But i will. 

It's All Over

Sorry it's taken me so long to update but the thought of putting everything into words seemed so hard to do im not sure why. Im feeling a little stronger now and feel that i should get this down before i feel i can't again!  I really didn't know what to title this blog post It's All Over seems so final and i guess we don't technically know that for sure until my next scan on Thursday although I know in my heart it is but still always praying for that miracle! I guess It's All Over is fine for now as thats what i have forced myself to come to terms with.

So Thursday Feb 10th i went for my early scan. I was so nervous but hopeful i had heard lots of stories of girls having spotting early on in pregnancy and yet everything was fine so i was hopeful that would be the case with me.  We got to the early pregnancy unit at Heartlands Hospital and had to wait it in a dark dingy green waiting room it wasn't very welcoming and why are all hospital waiting rooms green have you ever noticed that?!  It was full of girls all looking as equally nervous as me.  The walls were full of posters and information leaflets on Miscarriage on one side of the wall (just what you wanna see right?!) But on the other side were newspaper cuttings with stories of miracle babies and thank you cards sent from people who they had helped to get pregnant. It was nice to see those.

We waited for what seemed forever and i was watching the girls come out from the scan before me holding their scan pictures and smiling i couldn't help but think that would be me in a few short minutes.  Eventually i got called through the sonographer took all my details as to why i was having the early scan then asked me to lie back to begin the scan. She said she would take a good look first and then show me what she could see. I was glad that i couldn't see the screen at first i knew i would only panic if they couldn't see anything but from where Richard was standing he could see everything so i just stared at him trying to read if his expression was good or bad, but i don't really think he knew what he was looking at so it was pretty blank and gave me no clues at all!  The Sonographer then turned the screen towards me and said "im afaid it's a little too early to see baby but we can see a healthy gestational sac that's measuring 5-6 weeks". Immediately i freaked out and pointed out that im supposed to 8 weeks! She could see how upset i was getting and tried to calm me down and said that this happens all the time lots of girls get their dates wrong and if i had another scan in 2 weeks we would see a baby! Now i can get that a lot of girls can get their dates mixed up but with temping and charting and using OPKs etc i knew the exact date i ovualted so i wasn't sure in this case that i was going to be one of those girls and immediately assumed the worst! After i had calmed down she explained that a nurse would see me and explain everything in more detail to me. So back to more waiting!

Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long to go and see the nurse.  I took a liking to her straight away she didn't try to fob me off with "oh don't worry it will all be fine" speeches she was straight with me! I mean it's nice to believe that everything will be ok and believe me i wanted to but i didn't want false hope either. She took down all my history which took a while! Then I told her the date that i ovulated and she used a round dial device (i have no idea what it's called) to measure the dates with and said i don't want to give you false hope but there is a chance you could be 6 weeks pregnant based on that date and all babies do develop at different rates so there is a ray of hope.  On the other hand we could also be looking at a missed miscarriage where the baby stopped developing at 5-6weeks but your body is continuing the pregnancy. She said the only way we could know for sure was to have another scan in 2 weeks time she said if this is a viable pregnancy we will see a baby then for sure!  I came away from that with a little bit of hope but glad to know the facts and prepared to wait for 2 weeks in limbo.


The moment i got home my little ray of hope vanished as i had noticed that what was a tiny bit of brown spotting had turned into full blown bleeding! I know that a lot of women do bleed during pregnancy but with the news i had already been given i knew this wasn't a good sign.  I called the nurse at the early pregnancy unit to explain to her what was happening and she said to rest it may stop or on the other hand it could be a miscarriage but to wait it out and as long as the bleeding didn't get too heavy or i didn't feel too unwell just see what happens and go back for the scan in 2 weeks time.  So this is where im at now still bleeding like a period 9 days of bleeding now and still no end in sight i have cramping that lasts most of the day and feel really washed out but i am coping and i guess as i am coping there is no need to go to hospital im better off just waiting for the scan which i will presume will confirm a miscarriage. My only hope now is that they say i have passed everything naturally so that i don't have to go and have a D&C.  Im worried that i haven't as i did a pregnancy test and for now it is very positive! Maybe it just takes time to fade i don't know.  I hope the bleeding and cramps stop soon i really just want to get back to being me again.  I guess we will have to wait till Thursday for answers.  This has been so hard for me and Richard and we are working through different emotions every day but we are strong and will get through this! I am so thankful for my family, friends and all the wonderful friends i have made from TMP im so grateful for all the messages of support thankyou so much.   

7 Weeks

So im 7 weeks and 5 days today! In some ways i can't believe how fast the time is flying by and in others it's going way to slow.  I wish i could say this has been a good week but really it has been so stressful. On Wednesday night i started spotting it wasn't much sometimes it was pink others brown mixed in with mucous (sorry for the TMI). Of course i knew that a little bit of spotting in early pregnancy is common and as long as it's not bright red a lot of bleeding with cramps then it should be nothing to worry about. In reality i saw it and paniked! My Midwife hadn't made contact with me yet so i decided to go see the Nurse to get checked out. Im so glad i did she was so nice and understanding, she checked me over and said that my cervix was closed and that there was no blood visable at that time. Knowing that made me feel much better. She called the Midwife for me and she arranged for me to have an early scan thats booked for 11.30am next Thursday im so nervous about it but it will be great to see baby for the first time and hopefully get some good news!  Thursday evening was the worst time for me i felt so reassured after seeing the nurse but then the spotting came back and i got really bad back pain i couldn't stand, sit or lie down nothing i did brought me comfort so with that and the spotting i was sure it was all over! However by Friday morning the pain had completely gone along with the spotting so i got to breathe a sigh of relief once again! The spotting came back this morning but appears to have stopped once again but thankfully i have had no pain since Thursday.  I honestly have no clue what is going on but am hoping for good news on Thurdsay!

6 Weeks

So here I am 6 weeks pregnant! I never get bored of saying that, well until i get to 7 weeks i need the weeks to go faster! So far I feel pretty good still no Morning sickness although i have had a couple of days where if i haven't eaten by 5.00 i felt a little queasy but thats it for now.  I have felt a little more pregnant this week i have some mild cramping and pulling sensations which i like to feel as that reminds me that there is still something going on in there and my tender boobs which would come and go last week are more of a permanent feature and much more painful but i can live with that! I think i may have to go buy a few Maternity Bras soon as mine seem to be getting pretty uncomfortable to wear is it sad that im kinda excited about that lol?!  One of the other symptoms i do have is vivid dreams every night is just crazy crazy dreams! I did have one miscarrige dream that was so real for a few seconds when i woke up i thought it had actually happened i was so relieved when i realised it was just a dream!  Im sure some of it is hormones and the rest just anxiety.  Im trying to stay as realxed as possible and enjoy feeling good rather than stressing about any symptoms i don't have 12 weeks can't come quick enough for me i need to see my baby and know that everything is ok but i still have that good feeling so im taking that as a good sign!

I get to make my first Midwife appointment next week im so excited about that. I know it will be pretty boring mainly answering questions and filling out forms etc but it's just another step closer to having my scan and my first actual appointment other than confirming my pregnancy so that is pretty exciting <3

5 Weeks

I can't tell you how excited i am to be able to say im 5 weeks pregnant! I know it's very early days and still not taking one single day of this pregnancy for granted but i didn't even get this far last time so for me this is a mini milestone in itself!

I haven't really had too many symptoms yet which i have to admit that bothers me! I see lots of girls at 5 weeks or even earlier having all kinds of symptoms and i want some too just for that peace of mind that everything is ok! Right now that peace of mind is like goldust to me. So far I have had sore boobs that come and go some days they are really sore others like right now they don't hurt at all why is that? The bloat and twinges come and go too. I've still been taking my temp every morning seeing it still WAY above the coverline helps make me feel better. Im still waiting for the nausea to kick in, not that i want to feel sick i hate that but another symptom would be nice! I've been doing as much research as i can and from what i can see lots of girls feel the way i do now at this point so thats good to know. I hate to speak too soon but i do have this positive feeling that everything will be ok it's a feeling that i didn't have last time so im hoping this is a good sign!

It was my Birthday on Saturday i have to say it was pretty special knowing that i was pregnant.  Rich took me out for a meal and we did a little bit of shopping! Always fun for me not so much for him lol! We did go and buy the book What to expect when expecting and a baby names book which we have had a lot of fun with looking through the names.  I don't want to buy anything for baby until i have had my first scan i will feel like i can relax and really enjoy my pregnancy then.  I did want to buy a little something for baby so we decided to buy a childrens story book that i can read to baby and i wrote the date we found out inside. The date was 11/1/11 which i thought was pretty cool! It was just our little way of marking the day.

I got the pregnancy confirmed at the Drs on Monday i would have been 5 weeks on the dot so decided i should go. I didn't want to rush in im taking this pregnancy just one day at a time.  She confirmed everything and said to make an appointment with the Asthma nurse to monitor my asthma apparently pregnancy can affect it and also to make an appointment to see the midwife in 2 weeks time, im so excited i think this pregnancy will seem even more real then! 

Best Birthday Gift EVER!

It has taken me a little while to update my blog because well im still in shock and disbelief at my early birthday surprise, i've needed time to let it sink in and im still waiting for that lol! So wondering what im talking about? If you don't know already here it is!

Yep you guessed it im PREGNANT!! Sorry about the pic being so blurry i was litrally shaking as i took it! I keep going back to look at it to remind myself im really not sure when it will sink in. What i do know is Richard and I are over the moon there are just no words out there to express how happy we are right now.  I have to admit that the happiness is equally matched by fear.  I wish i didn't feel it but after last time I do so we are praying SO hard for this to be a sticky little bean and thank God everyday for this amazing little miracle he has blessed us with. 

Arthrogryposis

One of the reasons for me having this blog is for me to be able to document some of my experiences TTC and hopefully pregnancy and Motherhood as a girl with AMC (Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita).  My reason for this is since we began TTC 13 months ago i have tried so hard to find information on TTC with Arthrogryposis such as could it be a cause of any difficulties conceiving? I still haven't found the answer to this other than I know that personally im struggling but if it is connected to AMC i don't know. But also i would like to find out how women with AMC cope in pregnancy and giving birth? I know that AMC is pretty rare I think it occurs in something like 1 in 3000 births so most people i have met have never heard of it but i thought that there would be more out there on the world wide web than there is! Yes you can find a ton of info on babies and children with AMC and information for parents who have children with it which is great but anything about TTC and Pregnancy I can't find anything! Perhaps im looking in the wrong places, I can't be the only one can I?! Surely not, so this is my way of putting my personal experiences out there for anyone else who might be looking.

So this is just a brief explanation of what AMC is:  

"Arthrogryposis" (Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita) is a term describing the presence of multiple joint contractures at birth. A contracture is a limitation in the range of motion of a joint.

In some cases, few joints maybe affected and the range of motion may be nearly normal. In the "classic" case of Arthrogryposis, hands, wrists, elbows, shoulders, hips, feet, and knees are affected. In the most severe cases, nearly every body joint may be involved, including the jaw and back. Frequently, the joint contractures are accompanied by muscle weakness which further limits movement. I have the "classic" form of AMC.

So I hope in some small way this blog will be able to help someone else in a similar situation or if there is anyone out there reading this that could help me out with some advice i would be really grateful!